an infertile blog

Now the REAL fun begins...

2012-02-16T12:40:00.004-05:00

We've been trying to take our adoption process pretty slowly so as to save as much money as possible by the time we're officially "waiting." Also my hubby gets a little bit of money from his company for adoption once he's been there for two years (which would be this August)...(and I say a "little money" but really it's a pretty good amount. it's just that, compared to the grand total of adoption costs, it's a drop in the bucket! but we're thankful nonetheless.)

Anyway, we've finally sent in our assessment packet and a few "starter" fees and received our next packet with a bunch of forms to fill out, most of them asking multiple times if we're criminals. I understand the point of them but it's still kind of funny. I'm gonna go ahead and say that hopefully 100% of those attempting to adopt a child, HAVEN'T killed someone or robbed a bank or sold crack. It's also weird because even though you have to fill out these forms, they do a criminal background check on you anyway. I guess they figure there's no point in the adoptive parents filling out 6,549 forms when they can fill out 6,553 forms, right?
Luckily for us, the closest thing to criminal activity we've ever done is go to a gym because hubby (could have sworn he) saw a commercial for 5 days free. Only after 3 days, they asked why we were using the equipment if we hadn't signed a contract. And they promptly made us leave. haha! In all fairness, we were like 22 at the time. And at 22, you're still pretty stupid. Plus we really did have every intention of signing up after the 5 days, but after that little episode, there was no way we were ever going to face those people again!

To this day we've never joined a gym.

Ok, that was off topic just a bit! My point is, we have a LOT of forms to fill out. And a lot of documents to gather. And since half of those will be Canadian, it's going to be a fun waiting game.

I confess that when I got this round of documents, I felt a little light-headed. It's starting to feel so real! I'm totally scared out of my mind. Every time we move a step further, I'm like "I can't do this! I can't be a mom!" But then I remember how empty and aching my arms are for a baby and I push forward. And I pray like mad.

In slightly other news, today is my 31st birthday (gross) and it started off quite wonderful. I work from home and when I went upstairs to my computer this morning, all bleary-eyed and half asleep, I saw that there a few colorful things on my desk. "Wha?..." I thought. And as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, I saw that there were two pairs of heart-meltingly cute baby socks from my hubby! This is a big thing because he usually doesn't care AT ALL for baby stuff, like I do. I mean, he's a guy. I figured he didn't even know baby sections existed at stores. So for him to take the time to stop by one after a very long hard day of work and surprise me with it on my birthday...well, I basically burst into tears and ran downstairs to hug him for about 20 minutes straight. I never thought I'd cry over socks! :)

We'll celebrate my birthday on Saturday since we both work late today and tomorrow. He's taking me to the Cheesecake Factory to eat this:

And I'm getting a 60 minute massage that day as well. I wish I could turn 31 every day! (and...every year)

I Hate You, Infertility.

2012-01-26T14:32:00.005-05:00

Infertility sucks. Every month (can you guess which time of the month?) there is still a day or two when I can't quite crawl out of the hole that is infertility sadness. The same two days every single month. 29 days of the month? Happy Marissa! I'm like, "YES! Adoption! I can't WAIT! I honestly don't mind that he/she won't be our biological child! Oh look, a rainbow and a kitten!"

The other two days? "I don't have a baby yet and I'm almost 31 years old." I had this realization today (by the way, I hate realizations. I swear to you that 98% of the time that I have a "realization", it turns out to be really crappy. So suck it, realizations!): So I may have accidentally started reading a celebrity gossip website while on my lunch break today...yep, accidentally. Heh. Anyway. And it mentioned that so-and-so had just given birth and that they married their spouse in 2005. And my first thought was, it took them that long to have a baby?

And then I remembered that I've been married since 200-effing-2! This October will be TEN YEARS and we still don't have a kid. Now, sure, we didn't even start trying until about 4 years ago or so (who knows, I've lost track at this point). But really, it's quite abnormal to be married 10 years and not have children/a child. But here we are. Meanwhile, the first of my high school friends to get pregnant will have a teenager this year. It just makes me all sorts of angry on my special two days of the month!

It makes me realize too that no matter how happy I really truly am to adopt soon, I will, I think, always be angry about my infertility. Even after we have a child somehow, someway, and that anger has diminished significantly, I'll always remember and it'll always be there. And I hate when I'm angry. It makes me a terrible person.

Ok, my monthly hormones-are-going-crazy rant is over. I just had to get it out. That'll learn me to go on celebrity gossip websites!

Speaking of adoption though, I was wrong on the $24K thing from my last post. I finally had the intelligence to just, you know, write to our agency and ask them what was involved in that sum. She said it covered everything except travel (if adopting out of state). Her exact reply was "The fees in the budget includes everything but travel." So thank goodness I was wrong in thinking that the birth mother just wanted lots and lots of glorious money. I feel stupid! But then, I'm new at all this and really have no idea what I'm doing.

Moving along!

2012-01-16T21:01:00.006-05:00

Before I say anything else, I just want to thank those of you who commented on my first post back! I was so happy to see that people out there are still following my blog. :)

Well, the application is in! They received it a few weeks ago and then emailed us the next set of forms to agonize over and fill out. Those are now ready to go in the mail (as soon as they're notarized), along with our ridiculously huge agency and homestudy fees.

First off, those forms really are tough to fill out. Like, emotionally. They ask questions that you just shouldn't have to think about when it comes to "choosing" a child. Will we accept a baby even though the birthmom may have had alcohol? What if the baby was conceived through rape? What if the mom has multiple personality disorders and therefore, the baby could end up crazy? It's sad, really. Any english teachers are going to hate me for this sentence, but no child shouldn't be considered just because they aren't "good enough." Hopefully that made sense!

My heart honestly broke a little each time we chose to answer no to some of the questions. It's horrible. I really wouldn't mind adopting a child with health issues or disabilities, but the truth is that I've never even been a mom to a HEALTHY child. I would absolutely love to adopt a special needs baby someday, but for now I need to figure out how to parent in the first place.

Second, adoption fees make me a bit nauseous (and make my husband full-on vomit). Our agency fees are about $8,000, which truthfully is not too bad. We can handle that. But then you find out that you're going to have to pay for about six hundred and forty two other things and that's when the terror begins. I simply do not understand how birthmothers can get away with asking for $24,000 (yes, we already were sent an email by our agency with a pregnant BM looking for that much money). Really, you need TWENTY FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS to have a baby, lady?? Are you going to coat your child in gold before you hand him over to us or something?

Am I being too harsh? Having never had a kid, I suppose I can't say how much it costs to give birth...

If anyone reading this has adopted before, I would love a comment or an email with a little info about the fees you paid. I'm starting to lose hope that it'll be possible to do this for $20,000 or less. Guess I'd better get started on applying for grants!

On a positive note, for the first time in my 30 years on this planet, I went baby shopping! Last weekend hubby and I started looking at cribs, bassinets, changing tables, etc. And I can say two things for sure: 1) shopping for baby stuff makes me absolutely giddy! And 2) I have no idea at all which baby stuff I should buy. I mean, I know the basics. But for instance, we saw one of those gate thingies that you put at the top or bottom of stairs and considered buying one before the homestudy. Until we realized we had no clue if it was a good brand. I was envisioning buying a potentially defective gate, only to have our precious child tumble down the stairs while I went to prison. Ok, that's a little exaggerated. But I really did stress over which brand to buy. I have so very, very, very much research to do. I'm pondering asking friends on facebook questions like these, but...ew, I can just see all the know-it-all replies. Actually, my friends are pretty nice. But you know how parents don't like to be told how to raise their children? I think that's how I'd feel. They'd be like "Oh, Graco is a trusted brand!" And I would snap, "DON'T tell me how to live my life!" haha ;)

Anyway, once the aforementioned papers are sent off this week, then the real fun begins. We'll be in homestudy territory! Luckily, we're used to filling out 943 papers with all the same answers because we had to do it when my husband immigrated to the U.S. from Canada. Man, nothing could be worse than that process!...right?!

Adoption Petition

2012-01-06T20:50:00.004-05:00

I would be incredibly grateful if anyone reading this would please sign! Adoption costs shouldn't be more ridiculous than they already are. I'd love to see the tax credit refundable again.

Thank you! (and I apologize that it's at change.org, one of my least favorite websites) ;)

Make Adoption Costs Fully Refundable in the 2012-2013 Tax Years

New Year, New Beginnings

2012-01-03T20:08:00.004-05:00

Hello again, everyone! (assuming even one person might actually read this...)

I really had no plans to ever blog again. As a matter of fact, mere days ago I finally just up and deleted the entire thing and my entire account. But then blogger is crafty, just like facebook, and if you delete, it really just means "deactivate." Clever!

But my husband found out and he talked me into starting up again.

So it has been 13 months since my last update and some things have changed, some things have stayed depressingly the same. For one, we never did get pregnant. I did some more treatments with my RE (the one I raved about in other posts. I also found out she herself is infertile, which shocked me because she was just so thin and..smart. cuz smart = fertile to me apparently? haha) but nothing happened. I mean, I ovulated and everything, sometimes from two follicles. But my uterus decided it still hates me.

FORTUNATELY I sort of made peace with the fact that I may never have biological children. Well, I wouldn't say "made peace" exactly, because no, I'm not peaceful about that thought at all. I suppose I'd say I've come to accept it. You have to play the cards you're dealt with in life, right? I trust God knows what He's doing with our lives and that if it's meant to be, it'll happen. Going by my family history, I probably still have about 10 to 12 years of "fertility" left. So hey, you never know.

The other earth-shattering event in the last year was....are you ready for this??.....you sure???????....... ......... .......

I turned 30.
And it sucked.

I dreaded my 30th birthday since I turned 29, so it feels like I've been 30 for two years now! Brilliant, M. It was pretty hard though, I'm embarrassed to say. Knowing my 20s were gone, never to be seen again - ouch. Not to mention I felt oddly like any chance of a pregnancy ended at 29 years and 30 days old. Now THAT'S logical! But who knows why we women feel the way we do, especially us infertiles.

But lo and behold, I survived 30 and actually, I turn 31 next month. It's sort of funny because I've hardly given it a second thought.

The third and fourth things that happened this year were joyous! We bought our first house after NINE YEARS of living in apartments! I never knew a new house could bring so much happiness, honestly. Also, my husband became a CPA. Hence the reason we were able to finally buy a house. And which leads into the fifth and last event of the year, which didn't actually happen last year, but THIS year.

The adoption application is signed and ready to go. After a two hour adoption seminar, many months of figuring out finances, hours of research, and a LOT of praying, we've chosen an agency and are finally ready to take the first steps.
And I'm a little bit terrified. But in a good way.

Possibly time to say goodbye to blog world

2010-12-05T22:44:00.005-05:00

I don't know what I want anymore. I got so sick of temping, and then being miserable because my temps didn't rise as much as I wanted them to, that I stopped this month. Not only did I not temp, I just stopped caring in general about getting pregnant this month. I don't know if it'll ever happen but I'm certainly not doing a whole lot to MAKE it happen. I want to go back to the RE (haven't been in about 8 months) but I just...I hate the whole thing! I hate having to go in twice a month (or more) for follicle/progesterone/whatever updates, I hate all the stupid ultrasounds that never get me anywhere, I hate paying hundreds of dollars for NOTHING to happen. It's just not what I want to do with my time or money.

I turn 30 in two months and I think I also want to end this chapter of infertility. I don't want to spend ANY of my 30s hanging on pathetically to my youth just because I can't get pregnant. I've told my husband that the only thing I want for my 30th birthday is a packet of adoption papers ready for me to fill out. I want to get the ball rolling; I NEED to get the ball rolling. If I'm ever going to be a mom, it's time to get the show on the road. We are shortly going to be in a place where, financially, we can do this. I honestly think our 30s are going to trump our 20s in every way possible. :)

That all being said, I don't know if I will blog anymore. The biggest reason for me to blog was to have an outlet for my misery, really. But I'm hoping and praying that my next decade will be a happier one, and therefore I just won't need to write. I may update from time to time but I really have no idea if I'll even do that. I'm sure I've lost a bunch of readers as it is because my posts just aren't frequent, so I doubt I've crushed anyone's dreams. ;)

You've all been wonderful and so helpful though, and I thank you! I'm sincerely grateful that I discovered the land of infertility blogging. It's been so incredibly therapeutic and I will absolutely keep updated on everyone and commenting. I appreciate you all!

For just like, 5 seconds I'm going to let myself imagine a holiday BFP......

2010-11-11T10:45:00.002-05:00

I didn't mean to have any hope this cycle but somehow it found me. Crap!

I'm 8 or 9dpo. I have a few "symptoms" (I use the term loosely because I'm probably just imagining them!) that I had when I was pregnant two years ago. Heartburn like crazy, boobs aching, a chart that actually might be triphasic...

Then again, I get heartburn often ANY time of the month, boobs aching at the end of my cycle aren't exactly rare, and my chart, well, who knows. It's probably a mirage. :P But the weird thing is that, whereas hope used to actually make me angry because I always knew how it would end, this time hope makes me happy! Even with weight loss and better eating, my luteal phase just hasn't been anything to write home about for months and months. Either because of my temps dropping early or because I just haven't had any symptoms whatsoever. So even though I know my chances of being pregnant are like, slim to none, I'm still just happy to know it might even be .00001%! Haha, that's so sad. Ah well.

In other infertility news! Someone on another infertile blog this week wrote a post about how fertile women don't understand what it's like to be us. Someone replied on their own blog that we infertiles like to victimize ourselves. I agree with both women. Fertiles DON'T know how it feels to not be able to do what a woman should be able to do. But on the other hand, and I don't know about you guys, but I do get really sick of feeling sorry for myself. And I have to admit that sometimes it gets to the point where I have a hard time reading blogs of other infertiles because I get tired of all the "boohoo, woe is me!" posts. Before you get annoyed by that, I know! I do the same thing from time to time. I'm honestly trying to be better about it but it is hard. It definitely feels like we all got the short end of the stick dealing with this crap while others so easily procreate and then abandon/beat/murder their children. It's just that I can only handle so much self-pity from both me and others. It feels so lose/lose sometimes, doesn't it? Any thoughts?

More of the same

2010-11-03T07:44:00.005-04:00

Do you guys remember the days when our girl friends could tell us they were pregnant without offending us? Without worrying that we'd break down in tears? Without worrying that we would hate them? Yeah, I don't remember those days either because it's been too frickin long!

One of my absolute best friends is pregnant and to tell you the truth, after she got married about a year ago, I immediately was just waiting for that dreaded email. Well it came yesterday night. She sent me a message on facebook and honestly? Before I opened it I just knew. And of course she was worried and scared to tell me, which always makes me feel like a wonderful friend. It's not her fault of course, but she knows me well and knew that it would hurt to hear. She was right. The good news is that it actually didn't slice my heart into ribbons like news like that usually does. It stung but I was ok. I know I can be honest with you girls so I will admit that I'm not exactly happy for her. I have reasons for that though.

Anyway, all of that last night really reminded me of how much I miss happily hearing pregnancy announcements. It's been so so long since I could really rejoice with a friend upon hearing her news. It's gotten easier to handle in the last 4 or 5 months, but it does still hurt. I really hope I can get over this at some point in my life. I can just see myself at like, 50 years old and still hurting because a friend tells me her own daughter's pregnant. I pray to God that is not my lot in life!

As for my last cycle, I believe I had a cyst. My temp didn't rise like it should have, plus I had light bleeding on and off all the way up to my period. That only ever happens when I have a cyst. Oddly enough, I was quite relieved when I realized that's what happened. I would much much rather have a cyst one month than not ovulate at all!

Today is CD 18, which means I find out in the next day or two whether or not I ovulated this cycle. I definitely had plenty of cervical mucus (seriously, could that term sound any less pleasant??) and I felt my follicle growing. I just hate hanging by a thread every middle of the month when I take my temp every morning! If I ever manage to get pregnant, I never want to see a thermometer ever again. EVER. Beastly little device.

To end this I just want to say how happy I am with the outcome of the elections last night! I'm pissed that people like Harry Reid, Barbara Boxer, and Barney Frank held onto their seats, but at least Republicans have control of the House now! Woohoo! No America/economy-ruining policies next year, folks! :D

One giant depressing step backward

2010-10-11T07:44:00.002-04:00

Yep, my contentment lasted less than four months. I want to cry.

I was doing so well. I was genuinely excited about life and the future again. I wasn't anti-social anymore. I was HAPPY.

Then all of a sudden last Thursday or Friday I went right back to square one. I didn't freaking ovulate this month. What the hell?? How is it possible to ovulate every month, even when I'm fat, and then all of a sudden I lose 15 lbs, have a few beautiful cycles...and then the crappiest cycle of all time?? My body is just the biggest, most useless piece of garbage ever! I just have no idea what happened this month. I did everything the same as always but I had one temp jump, which got me all excited, and then it plunged back down to pre-ovulation temps, which is where it has stayed since (today should be about 5 dpo). And not ONLY that, because no, that's not depressing enough right? No no! I also had some bleeding over the weekend, right in the middle of my cycle! WHAT. THE. HELL.

I've just been on the verge of tears for three days now and I HATE it. I don't want to be back in this place (mentally/emotionally)! I was so so so happy to be out of it! I went grocery shopping yesterday and, no exaggeration, every couple with a baby or small child broke my heart into little pieces. It was torture. I hated it and I hated how I felt and right now I hate life again.

I know we're never going to have biological children. My hope use to diminish a bit every month but at this point I think it's safe to say that it's finally at zero. I'm not trying to be dramatic here, I honestly believe it's not going to happen for us. We will adopt at some point I'm sure, but we all know how that costs a small fortune, so who knows when it will be. I feel sick with longing. I feel completely irrational anger and bitterness towards fertile women. And worst of all, I almost feel hatred towards negligent, horrible parents. I am NOT in a good place these last few days.

Looks like I'm going back to my doctor, too. Bleeding in the middle of my cycle kind of freaked me out. If anyone has any idea of what that could be, I'd appreciate your thoughts. I'm not sure it's ever happened to me before.

Life sucks.

Yay, I don't cry when I look at my butt anymore!

2010-09-29T10:14:00.005-04:00

I'm here to brag a little bit - I'm almost in the 140s!!! The last time I weighed less than 150lbs was not long after I got married almost 8 years ago. I think I was about 140 on my wedding day, although it's hard to say since I honestly never weighed myself back in those days. I was just thin and that was that. No dieting, no worrying about chubby thighs, no analyzing the chemicals in my processed food. But yeah, I think I was about 140, maybe 135. So anyway, to almost be in the 140s again is a HUUUUUUUUGE achievement for me! You don't even know. I've tried every frickin thing to lose weight in the last 4 or so years.

My first step was to try the South Beach Diet when I was about 24. I forget if I wrote about this already but yeah, I lasted literally about 14 hours on that diet. hahaha! I love my willpower back then. I South Beach Dieted all day and then in a fit of overwhelming hunger, I ate like 5 Pillsbury cookies. Awesome! I've come a long way. I was about 180 lbs at the time.

After years of trying to eat better and then binging, cutting back on sugar and then gorging on it for weeks, limiting fast food and then inhaling hamburgers three times a week, I seem to have finally achieved weight loss. I found the magic formula: sticking to 1200-1300 calories a day, keeping a food log online, cardio for 30 minutes 4 or 5 times a week, and strength training twice a week. I've lost 15 lbs since July.

I want to say it's hard all the time but it's actually not once you get used to it. Of course, it IS a bit harder during PMS. But you know, after having zero control over my fertility for years, this is something that is actually within my power to do, and I revel in it.

Anyway, in other news, ICLW was kind of hard this month. I don't know if it's because the despair of infertility hasn't had the same grip on me these last few months or what, but reading a lot of blogs almost had me in tears. It was especially hard reading the blogs of ladies who have had miscarriages. I try not to think back on mine because it's a unique kind of terrible pain that I don't ever want to relive. And when I read the miscarriage experiences of others, it brings all those emotions back to the surface and it HURTS. There is such a huge difference between living each day with a broken heart and living each day with a healing heart. I hope those women who have gone through a m/c can heal, even though I know it seems impossible at times.

And lastly, it's hard meeting people in real life and I think I give up. We moved here over a year ago and I have one local friend. I have lots of friends and family in other states...ONE where I live. It's driving me crazy! I even joined a meet up group online but, and no offense to the ladies at all, most of them seem to be in their 40s. There's a group for women in their 20s but by the description it seems like they just go out drinking a lot. I'd probably be the only sober one driving everyone home every night. Fantastic. I'm going to be putting an ad in the newspaper soon, seriously. "Need friends. Will pay." Haha.

10 things.....because why not?

2010-09-24T14:18:00.006-04:00

I always see girls doing these things on their blogs and thought it'd be interesting!!... Ok, so mostly I just have nothing to do since I have the day off work, but anyway, not the point. ;)

1. I'm a Christian but I grew up with lots of different influences. My mom's side is very Catholic, my dad's side is middle eastern and so very Muslim, and growing up almost all my friends were Mormon. It was an interesting upbringing, to say the least.

2. I'm also a conservative and proud of it! The funny thing though, is that I actually voted for Gore when I was 19. Haha! I'm kind of really embarrassed about that now but it makes me laugh when I think how different I used to be.

3. I love love love and LOVE Harry Potter. Besides the Bible, they're my favorite books on the planet. I've read them all, except Deathly Hallows, at least 15 times. Deathly Hallows there's no Hogwarts or Dumbledore, so it's one of my least favorites. Sorry if I just spoiled some of DH for you. ;)

4. I married when my hubby and I were both 21 years old and we love each other more every year. I gave a short speech during our wedding and said I felt sorry for all the other women in the world because they didn't have my husband, and I still feel that way today. :D

5. Kind of on the same note, I'm extremely lucky because even though we're infertile and want kids badly, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my husband will still love me more than anything even if we don't have biological or adopted children. I see the pain in his eyes when we talk of the possibility of a life without kids but it does warm my heart that he's so in love with me despite that reality. Don't worry though, I won't be putting this as my facebook status and ending it with "if YOU have a husband like this, repost this as your status, girlz!!!!!!!"

6. I'm 29 years old and I literally just started wearing makeup a month ago. I always hated the stuff and then I dunno, I lost some weight over the summer and thought "hey, I wonder if blush might actually look cute on me..." I then bought powder, concealer, blush, eye shadow, lip gloss, and mascara, LOL! I'm not so great at putting all that stuff on yet but I'm getting there. The eye shadow is the hardest and most frustrating!

7. I despise almost all celebrities. Whenever I tell anyone that they usually roll their eyes and say something like "well what about Tom Hanks?? how could anyone not like him??" Well, being a conservative, I find most Hollyweird people to be detestable. I get so sick of their self-righteous, lefty, hypocritical ASSINESS. (yes, ASSINESS) They should stick to acting/singing/whatever and shut up on everything else. Not that I'm bitter....

8. My favorite place on earth is the Colorado Plateau, which is parts of Colorado, Utah, Arizona, and New Mexico. Hubby and I used to live in Utah and we went to that area any chance we got. Breathtakingly gorgeous area and I highly recommend going to a national or state park there if you ever get the chance! One of my favorite pics:

9. I used to live in Canada. Weirdest thing about that country? Four words: milk in a bag.

Liquids do not belong in bags, my friends.

10. Second only to having my own biological child, probably the thing I want most in the world is to adopt. Adopted little ones are so very easy to love. :)

ICLW

2010-09-21T07:55:00.008-04:00

So it's ICLW time! I think it's been a good year or so since I've done this. And come to think of it, it's sort of depressing because not much has changed since my last ICLW. Huh..... Alright well, what a happy way to begin! ;)

Anyway, I'm Marissa (29) and I'll try to summarize our infertility journey:
- started really trying for a baby at age 26
- was overweight with mild insulin resistance and put on Metformin, which lasted all of about 7 weeks because I was too busy puking or having diarrhea to have time to do anything else
- started cinnamon and chromium to lower blood sugar levels; started exercising regularly
- finally went to fertility doctor after about a year to a year and a half of trying, was put on Clomid. proceeded to roll eyes because as if that was going to work.
- Clomid works. Get pregnant. Heh.
- no heartbeat at 8 weeks. D&C. Despair.
- after D&C back on Clomid; nothing. Move to Ohio, wait a few months, find an RE, back on Clomid. Nothing.
- December of last year have laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. Doc finds stage 2 endo, otherwise everything else looks good.
- fall into huge pit of depression and anxiety from February until this past June due to infertility, plus no money to go back to RE because hubby was at OSU and didn't start his job until August. Taking BBT which shows ovulation but truly horrid LP temps.
- sometime mid to late June I pray a lot and change my attitude, start losing some weight FINALLY (I weigh almost 20 lbs less this summer than last summer and BMI is thisclose to being in normal range!), and break out of my depression funk (yay!!)

That's basically it, though I'm sure I've left out a few things. This cycle I did progesterone cream for the first time and my LP temps were like, 1000% better:

I'm going to keep doing the cream (even though I did have a few undesirable side effects) probably til the end of the year. If I still don't get pregnant, I guess it's back to the RE and more Clomid.

To be honest at this point, about two years since we last conceived, I don't have much hope that it'll ever happen. I'm trying to come to terms with that. I don't want to do injectables or IVF because I hate being on too many drugs. We aren't against adoption and probably will do it someday, but there's no way we even have CLOSE to enough money to even think about it right now. The bottom line is, hubby and I are Christians and we absolutely 100% believe that if it's God's plan for us to have kids (whether biologically or not), it'll happen someday. Til then I can just continue to eat well and exercise and perhaps try Clomid once more. For now I'm just so thankful that I'm enjoying life again and not bogged down with sadness and self-pity. Let's hope it lasts!

Oh, anyone on Twitter? I can't decide if I like it yet, but I'm trying it out. @buckeyepalinfan if you want to add me. :)

And lastly, I found this cute free template for my blog, but I can't seem to make the title and description any larger. Anyone know how to do it? Is it even possible?

I....don't really know what to title this post.

2010-09-14T14:54:00.007-04:00

Apparently progesterone cream actually works! I admit I had serious doubts, which kind of sucked considering a microscopic tube of the stuff cost me $25. But I guess it was money well spent because so far this LP I haven't had even ONE temp below cover line! Trust me, that's a huge achievement for me. Typically I ovulate on my own, which is great; but then during my LP I will have at least 3 or more temps dip below the cover line. On Clomid that never happened, but on my own it happens every time without fail. I am very encouraged about this cream so far!

However. If I have a weak ovulation, will the cream really fix that? Seems like it wouldn't. If something is wrong with the egg, I think I'm screwed. But if it's JUST that the follicle doesn't produce enough progesterone, then maybe I've fixed it.

In other words, I don't have a clue what I'm talking about. haha ;)

Anyway, here are two comparison charts (both are natural cycles, the 2nd one is with progesterone cream starting 1 dpo):

So yeah, not even a hint of crosshairs with the first chart (which really depressed me that month, btw), but I'm pretty certain I ovulated that month.

Onto other things, even though I know progesterone is a fascinating subject.....
So I joined this womens get together group here in Ohio. I'm quite nervous to go to my first outing but luckily I have a friend (who I met on an infertility message board and just happens to live like 15 minutes away from me!) who is joining up too, and is going to go with me. Thank goodness! I'm not shy once I get to know people, but the first few times I talk to someone I'm actually kind of quiet. Cuz if I'm not, I'll make a lame joke and regret it instantly! ;) But I'm really VERY MUCH looking forward to finally finding some girlfriends! I hope there are women there I click with pretty quickly. My husband has been pretty busy at his new job and I swear, whenever his co-workers get together to do anything, it's spouse-free. Ugh! Now that I've lost weight, I'm not gonna lie - I totally want an excuse to put on a cute dress and meet new people. It's amazing how infertility and weight can make you a shell of your former self.

Speaking of weight loss, it's still going well but lately I've had a few off days. I don't know if it's the progesterone cream or just...whatever, but I've been STARVING. And not the type of hungry where it's like "yeah, I could go for a burger right now but you know what? I don't mind just having this little piece of light cheese here instead." No no. It's more like "I swear on all that is good and pure, I am going to literally DIE RIGHT NOW if I don't eat 6 burgers!!!" Not fun. I'm very very strict about what I eat, so it is unacceptable to me when I have to eat 100 or 200 extra calories a day because I'm hungrier than usual.

Hey, maybe I'm pregnant! 5dpo, yep, I bet that's what it is! :P

I know there's been a change in me

2010-09-03T10:52:00.004-04:00

Lately I've been out of my infertility funk and it's been so weird. For the last maybe one and a half years (basically since a few months after my miscarriage), I have been THEE most antisocial, depressed, bitter person on the planet. As is evident by my blog posts since last summer. Every now and then I'd have a good day or two and think "oh good! maybe I'm getting better!" But then I'd slide right back down to my own personal hell for months at a time and I would just be such a miserable wretch.

Well anyway, I'm still afraid to be so hopeful about it, but I seemed to have had something snap in me the last few months. It started around June or maybe July. My husband and I, who rarely fight (we have the usual small arguments and eye rolling as most couples but we get over it quick and then have good make up sex. um, but anyway...), had a HUGE blow out one night. I was really really angry with him and it was only after I took a good hard look at myself that I realized the problem was with me (ok, and maybe 7% with him. he doesn't get away with thinking he's perfect! ;) ). Basically my attitude was bringing us both down, AND I said some things that were stupid when we were with friends one night. Hubby and I didn't end up talking for three days. I can say with total honesty and no exaggeration that it was the worst three days of my entire life. I hate the term "soul-searching" but...I did some soul-searching. And I did a massive MASSIVE amount of praying. Doing both of those things for three lonely, miserable days straight apparently can work.

Ever since those three days I've been like a different person. Hubby has commented numerous times since then about how much I've changed and how much happier I seem. Infertility still hurts, and I don't think that will ever change even if I manage to give birth a few times. But it hasn't torn me apart like it used to. When I hear of friends getting pregnant, I can now just turn away and focus on something else whereas I used to cry all day. I've also been DYING to make friends now, and I had no interest whatsoever in doing that since we moved to Ohio. I actually don't even know how to meet people because it's been so long since I've had to! If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them!

It's really cheesy but I feel sort of like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. Hey, I warned you it was cheesy! ;) But really, every day feels different now, like I'm excited to live it, and I haven't felt that way in years. I remember writing on this blog more than once I had forgotten what it's like to be content and to look forward to the future. Well now I remember and it's glorious! I continually thank the Lord for lifting me from the pit of despair. I attribute it all to Him really. I thought I was going to die of sadness so many days... I'm so happy to not be in that place anymore. :)

One of the best things about this whole change of heart is my absolute determination and drive to be healthier. I wrote some in my last post about that and I'm still doing great with it! I'm still managing to eat between 1200 and 1300 calories a day and running 4 to 5 times a week, plus strength training 4 times a week. My body feels AMAZING. I'm so used to walking by mirrors and wanting to weep because of how overweight and ugly I felt. Now I look at myself and I like what I see! I never thought that would happen again! It's really wonderful and it has me so determined to get pregnant. I've been taking my temp the last few months and haven't been on any fertility drugs. I've been ovulating on my own but my luteal phase temps dip too much, which is why I bought the progesterone cream. But other than those dips I seem to have a pretty good cycle. Cervical mucus great thanks to the diet, ovulation like clockwork every CD 17, period every CD 31 thanks to extra B6 (which I highly recommend, girls! seriously, if you need to lengthen your LP - B6 B6 B6!).

So things are looking up! I still desperately want children but I'm actually ok with the fact that I haven't had any yet. There's no way we would have been able to afford them up until now anyway. My amazing husband just started his accounting job three weeks ago and has also already passed 3 out of 4 of the CPA exams. So proud of him! And I can't lie that it's nice to finally have some money for once. ;)

For those of you girls struggling with infertility and/or loss, I pray that you will find some peace of mind as well, whether you give birth or not. Don't lose hope!

Progesterone

2010-08-28T20:16:00.003-04:00

Today I went to The Vitamin Shoppe and bought progesterone (Emerita Pro Gest). I've never taken this stuff before. For those of you who take any form of progesterone, is it likely that I will experience side effects? Which side effects, if any, have you had on it?

I feel like Jillian from The Biggest Loser! (minus the scariness)

2010-08-10T20:04:00.006-04:00

I think I've discovered a secret to fertility - losing weight! Wait, what? Everyone already knows this?? Well anyway, I decided to smarten up recently and REALLY get serious about losing weight. Here's the history of my fat: I come from an overweight family (on my mom's side anyway. and OF COURSE I inherited those genes (and 'jeans' if I'm not careful...har) but growing up, I was a toothpick. My mom frequently commented on my weight and how happy she was that I turned out slim.

Yeah, then I got married. I'm pretty sure simply slipping an engagement ring on my finger made me gain 10 lbs (and not from the diamond!). Once hubby and I were actually married, we both gained weight - him 30 lbs and me 40 lbs, bringing me to my heaviest at 180 lbs. I didn't learn to cook when I was younger because my own mom didn't cook, so that was a huge problem. We ate out a LOT, and when we did eat in it was usually frozen meals. UGH. I can't even think of those days now.

I started getting healthy about three years ago by teaching myself how to cook (thanks, Food Network! :D ) and exercising regularly. So very slowly the weight started coming off. I got down to 175 lbs, then 170, then two years ago I did Weight Watchers and reached 165 (yeah, in other words, I didn't last long). I could never seem to get lower than 165. I would diet for a month or so and do really well, maybe lose a pound or two, but then I'd binge for a few weeks and gain it back.

So finally FINALLY two months ago I got serious. Clomid failed. Well ok, I ovulated and even got pregnant on the first month of it. But after my miscarriage, I didn't get pregnant on it again. I did Femara alone and with a trigger shot. Fail. I had surgery in December and the doc found stage 2 endo and removed it. Still nothing. I'm not doing injectables or IVF because a) we don't have the money, and b) I don't like the thought of pumping myself full of that many drugs. So yeah, our options were running out.

Here's the funny thing: I then read Marla's blog, where she was talking about this girl's blog. I don't even know this girl but I had clicked on the link from Marla's blog and was checking out Amanda's site since I had some time on my hands (in other words, I should have been working but wasn't at the moment....) and I noticed she had a section on her blog about weight loss. She could not seem to lose weight, so she finally bucked up and went on a 1200 calorie/day diet and voila! The weight came off and she looked good. I decided right then and there, for fertility's sake, that I was going to do what that girl had done. I've been having 1200 calories a day for about 7 weeks now and I'm down to 155 lbs! I know I still have about 20ish pounds to go, but you have no idea how huge this is for me! For so dang long my scale refused to go below 165 and I was so disheartened. And now I am steadily melting off fat at a rate of 1 pound a week and I feel AMAZING. So thank you, girl I've never said two words to, ever! :)

I won't lie, the first two or three days were hard. I mean, HARD. I felt like I would go mad with hunger. But I stuck with it and actually, I really consume 1500-1600 calories a day. But I exercise 5 to 6 days a week and that gets rid of any excess calories I ate during the day, bringing my total every day to about 1200, sometimes 1300 calories. And it WORKS. And you know what? Truly, it got easier by the week. I now snack on fresh fruit and small portions of light cheese with vegetables instead of chips and pretzels and other delicious but bad-for-MK's-reproductive-system foods. I still cook what I want for dinner and lunch but I make sure I eat smaller portions than before and I now ALWAYS make sure I have a huge helping of veggies with my main dish. And exercising is easy now because I have so much more energy.

But the best news of all is my fertility. I don't know if I'll actually get knocked up now, obviously, but WOW what a difference in cervical mucus! I used to feel lucky if I had ONE day of really good mucus, but I usually didn't even have that. After doing this diet/exercise routine for only one month, I had five - yes FIVE - days of quality CM! I'm now on month 2 (about to ovulate in two days) and the CM is back in abundance! Truly amazing. I can feel my follicle growing as well. I normally don't feel it when I'm not taking Clomid or Femara but now I do. I feel twinges about 3 or 4 days before O, which get stronger and stronger until I ovulate, then they fade. I actually had these twinges sporadically before I took fertility drugs and I still weighed over 165. But yeah, I could tell I wasn't ovulating every month.

Anyway, somehow this turned into a mini novel. I just can't talk enough about how good it is to be healthy. I feel preachy sometimes when I tell my husband to stop eating chips or fries or whatever, but I think he's willing to put up with it because I look hotter naked now. ;)

It is my sincerest wish that fertile people would shut the hell up.

2010-08-02T07:32:00.006-04:00

I know there aren't more than one or two facebook stories here in infertility blog land. (one or two...million) It seems we infertiles will never ever ever EV.ER. run out of these stories because, well, fertile women just don't seem to ever shut up!
Case in point, I have a friend (in real life) on facebook who's having difficulty conceiving. She's watched me struggle for years and is now in the same boat and understands how I feel, unfortunately. Yesterday she wrote a status update regarding infertility and some blithering IDIOT replied:
"______ ______ Want one of my ridiculously fertile eggs? Take them all!"

So not ONLY is her friend fertile, she's RIDICULOUSLY fertile, girls! Oh how that must suck!
I don't know this chick but it's taking literally everything in me to not reply with something that will prevent her from writing such stupid replies to my friend in the future. Like "yeah, that IS ridiculous that you have fertile eggs! You function like a normal woman should function and don't have to suffer through years of depression, anger, and all-consuming grief - RIDICULOUS! But thanks for offering my friend ALL your eggs. Luckily it's as ridiculously easy as reaching into a fertile woman's uterus and simply taking what she needs to be able to have a baby. I wish I had known that, actually! How ridiculous of me for not knowing this secret to fertility - when all else fails, take eggs from ridiculously fertile friends!"

This is why I need a blog, because you girls understand EXACTLY how I feel about this ridiculously fertile girl (who is 24 years old, by the way, and has two children. Fantastic.)

And that's how my Monday began! There's nothing quite like starting your day by wanting to throw your breakfast at the computer screen. ;)

anyone there? EDIT

2010-07-21T14:26:00.001-04:00

anyone there?
I changed the url of my blog and I'm just not smart when it comes to the internets, so I didn't know that people who were following my blog would then be unable to access this site due to the address change. So I'm curious - is anyone reading this? I would appreciate just a quick "yep!" in the comments, if you pretty please would!
Seriously, I bet 70 year olds are smarter with technological stuff than I am.
EDIT: I changed the url BACK to the old address because only one person commented on my last post (which was the same post as this one two days ago). No seriously, I suck at the internet!

As for an update...there isn't one. Remember my surgery in December when my doctor got rid of a cyst caused by endo that was on my fallopian tube? (haha, as everyone's like "not really...") Anyway, it's back. A few months ago I started feeling a dull ache and by this month when my follicle was getting ready to ovulate, I was in some serious pain! I'm PISSED. There's no way I can afford another surgery right now but I don't see what choice I have. This isn't the kind of cyst that just goes away. When I asked my doc if the last one affected getting pregnant, she said no. But now it hurts WORSE than before. So who knows. But the other thing that has me suspicious is my post-O temps have been just awful the last two or three months, no matter how amazing my ovulation symptoms may be. So all I can gather is that it must be the damn cyst. I haven't seen my doc in three months but it looks like I'll be making a visit in August. I hate not knowing what's going on.

So yeah, after about 3 years of trying to conceive, I'm now even farther away from attaining pregnancy. The only thing keeping me from being totally down in the dumps is the fact that I'm at my lowest weight since about 6 years ago! I have about 10-15 lbs to go and hopefully at that time, I'll stop referring to myself as the fattest person in the world.

anyone there?

2010-07-19T22:22:00.004-04:00

I changed the url of my blog and I'm just not smart when it comes to the internets, so I didn't know that people who were following my blog would then be unable to access this site due to the address change. So I'm curious - is anyone reading this? I would appreciate just a quick "yep!" in the comments, if you pretty please would!
Seriously, I bet 70 year olds are smarter with technological stuff than I am.

As for an update...there isn't one. Remember my surgery in December when my doctor got rid of a cyst caused by endo that was on my fallopian tube? (haha, as everyone's like "not really...") Anyway, it's back. A few months ago I started feeling a dull ache and by this month when my follicle was getting ready to ovulate, I was in some serious pain! I'm PISSED. There's no way I can afford another surgery right now but I don't see what choice I have. This isn't the kind of cyst that just goes away. When I asked my doc if the last one affected getting pregnant, she said no. But now it hurts WORSE than before. So who knows. But the other thing that has me suspicious is my post-O temps have been just awful the last two or three months, no matter how amazing my ovulation symptoms may be. So all I can gather is that it must be the damn cyst. I haven't seen my doc in three months but it looks like I'll be making a visit in August. I hate not knowing what's going on.

So yeah, after about 3 years of trying to conceive, I'm now even farther away from attaining pregnancy. The only thing keeping me from being totally down in the dumps is the fact that I'm at my lowest weight since about 6 years ago! I have about 10-15 lbs to go and hopefully at that time, I'll stop referring to myself as the fattest person in the world.

Happy Jacked Uterus and Ovaries Day!

2010-06-21T10:44:00.003-04:00

Right now I am so so thankful that Fathers Day is easier to handle than Mothers Day. Really, I thought I was going to lose it on facebook when I kept reading people's STUPID messages about how GREAT moms are and how HAPPY they are with their DARLING children and WONDERFUL motherhood. How dare they be so happy!
But seriously. Reading the Fathers day messages were easier. Mostly because I think guys don't really even care about fathers day, do they? Stupid Hallmark "holidays".

There should be an Infertiles Day. On that day, everyone on facebook who has kids should have to write at least one thing about their children that really pisses them off, thereby making us infertiles feel .0001% better about being barren.

As for my cycle, well, it's being an ass. I took Vitex this month. I ovulate on my own but I never have very high temps after O, which makes me think it's weak. I was hoping the Vitex would raise my temps. Instead it crapped all over my temps. If you're bored - http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/28ba82 (ass Blogger will not let me make that a clickable link). So yeah, thanks for nothing, Vitex. Actually, NOT nothing - thanks for something worse than I already had!

I actually read that women with regular cycles shouldn't take Vitex. But I read that AFTER I had already taken it for two weeks. I seem to do everything wrong when it comes to getting pregnant.

I hurt

2010-06-02T16:34:00.002-04:00

I'm so frustrated right now. Pregnancy, or rather lack thereof, will not get out of my head! I promise you, I try so hard to not think about it. I try to have a good time with my husband, I try to have a good time with our friends. But whether I'm grocery shopping or working or at a baseball game, it doesn't matter - I dwell (and boy do I DWELL) on the fact that I'm not pregnant and never will be. I can't stop being sad! Life is too hard when you're infertile, dammit! How am I supposed to be happy?? How am I supposed to be ok with the fact that I'm barren and 99% of people I know personally aren't? How am I supposed to feel fulfilled when I'm stuck doing a job I HATE when all I really want is to be a stay-at-home mom?? But even if I quit, what would I do? It's not like I have little ones to take care of and nurture.

Last night hubby and I were at a baseball game when out of freaking NOWHERE, I had a depressing thought: as of this month, it is no longer possible for me to give birth in my 20s. Even if I got pregnant this month (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL), I'd give birth a few weeks after I turned 30. Boy do I freakin MISS the days of having birthdays and actually enjoying them. I can't even remember what those days were like! To actually wake up on my birthday and not think "Shit, another year, even more infertile. I want to die."

I miss enjoying life in general. I felt like I was really making progress last summer and especially in the fall right before my laparoscopy. But my outlook on life has actually gone quite down hill since my lap. It's been 5 months since surgery and I'm not closer to being pregnant. I actually feel like I'm even further away. We have no money to keep seeing the RE. Last month was a natural cycle (like, completely. no herbs or anything.) and boy was it crap. If I even did release an egg, I'm pretty sure it was weak. My temps were crap. I had the week from absolute HELL due to PMS. It was awful. It's awesome how it works like that, isn't it? Nope, no baby for me, BUT, as a bonus, I get to be miserable for an entire week. Oh, and then? I get to bleed for 3 days. Fantastic.

I just don't know how to stop the sadness. It's all-consuming. I feel like it eats me alive some days. I don't even feel real sometimes. It's like I'm here but I'm not really here at all. I'm just getting by. I can't believe infertility can make me feel like this. I've been sad, even deeply depressed before, but it's always been temporary. If I don't get pregnant ever, will this be temporary? I don't think so. And that thought scares me more than anything.

what kind of word is 'facebook' anyway?

2010-05-18T09:12:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm officially done with the RE. I'm kind of sad but also relieved. I was actually supposed to go in this cycle for an ultrasound and my last trigger shot, but I just said 'screw it.' We really don't have the money to keep doing all this crap, plus I'm pretty much out of options since we're not doing injectibles or IVF. And MAN was I sick of scheduling ultrasounds and blood work every two freaking weeks.

Who knows if I'll ever be pregnant again. Every now and then I'll be filled with such despair, but a week or two later (or really just near ovulation), I find myself hopeful and optimistic. But most of the time it's despair. I really really really wanted to start the adoption process this summer but there's just no way that's going to happen. Because of car repair bills and medical bills for my lap/hysto, we aren't even close to having the money to adopt.

I'm pretty much at a point in my life where I just don't care about much. I wouldn't say I hate life; my mood isn't that low. But I definitely wouldn't say I'm happy. I'm just...there. It kind of sucks. But it can't last forever...right?

In other news, the South Beach Diet works. I lost 6 lbs in 2 weeks. Hopefully I can keep it up. You don't realize just how many carbs you eat until you start trying to limit them. Crazy!
I also found out that low-fat and skim milk is bad for women with unbalanced hormones. I have no idea how I didn't know about this for so long! But apparently when they take out all/some of the fat from the milk, they add in other ingredients to make the color and consistency the same as whole milk. But those other ingredients were shown to raise androgen levels in mice. So I've had to lower my milk intake since it's more fattening now, but it's nice to know I'm not adding to my already somewhat high androgens! I don't doub it either, because when I did phase one of the SBD, I started drinking skim milk and my face was HORRIBLE. I always have at least some acne, but it's not too bad. Once I was on the skim milk, though, it was truly hideous. I couldn't figure it out at all since I thought cutting carbs would HELP my skin.
Now that I've started drinking whole milk (it's been about 3 days now), my skin is already vastly improved and actually looks quite good. Something to be happy about. :)

By the way, I think that it should be a law that anyone pregnant or who recently had a baby should not be allowed to have a facebook account. Sounds rational, right?! ;)

see ya, jiggly flesh!

2010-04-26T20:02:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I've got some hope back, although it has very little to do with creating a child. Well, maybe it has quite a bit to do with it. Only time will tell.

So here's the plan: South Beach Diet. Normally I roll my eyes at all the different diets, not because they don't work, but because they don't work for me. Having PCOS - the unbalanced hormones portion of PCOS - makes dieting virtually impossible. I've tried so many different things; I do cardio 4-5 days a week; I lift weights 2-3 times a week; I eat small portions and keep the sugar to a minimum. And yet NOTHING. So whenever I get the urge to try a new diet, I immediately just get depressed because I know it won't work.

However! A few girls on my PCOS message board have not only lost weight by doing the SBD, but gotten knocked up recently too. So I started searching the archives at the boards to see if anyone else had success. There are many women there who are more overweight than I am and have crazily unbalanced hormones...and not ONE failed on the SBD. All the women who actually saw it through and stuck to the rules lost weight. Needless to say I got excited! The funniest part is that my husband I gained weight when we got married and I happened to get a copy of the SBD book, so we decided to try it out (this was in about 2003). We lasted about 10 hours on it. hahaha! I'm not even exaggerating. By the end of the night we were binging on chocolate chip cookies. But back then I didn't cook, I didn't exercise, and I literally ate the worst food imaginable. So this time is much easier.

Today is day 1 of phase 1 and I feel absolutely amazing. I know carbs are evil for me but I never ever thought to cut them out completely, because I didn't think I possibly could. Well let me tell you - it's possible! Here's what I've had so far today:

Breakfast: Egg, spinach, and cheese quiche cup and tea with Splenda
Snack: pistachios
Lunch: a spinach salad with low-fat lunch meat and mozzarella and green olives, plus 1/4 cup chickpeas
Snack: plain greek yogurt with Splenda (which I thought would make me gag but I practically inhaled it, it was so good!)
Dinner: crockpot roast beef (the kind with no fat) with sweet & sour sauce (oh my DELICIOUS) and a greek salad, plus sugar-free Jello for dessert

It's been a tasty day! ;) But the best part was the cardio I did tonight. I'm on day 1 of my cycle, so typically I feel like crap on this day. But I was on the treadmill jogging and sweating and loving it. That was an hour ago and I still feel great. Usually after a workout I feel drained and just want to lie down. Why didn't you guys tell me just how evil carbs are for me?! :P

If anyone's had success on the SBD I'd love to hear about it! This diet must improve PMS too, because usually on day 1 I'm a sobbing, self-pitying MESS (see past blog posts).

And of course, the best part (even more than losing weight) is I might actually conceive a child once I'm healthier. :)

Ovaries are not my friends

2010-04-15T20:54:00.007-04:00

I had a mid-cycle u/s today. As I said in my last post, I didn't take my Femara this month because I thought I had a cyst. So imagine my complete and utter shock when my doc placed the u/s on me and within .004 seconds said, "There's a cyst."!! Ugh.

Since last month I've been SO CERTAIN that my right ovary was being beastly and getting all cyst-y on me. But actually, it's on my LEFT ovary. Wha? How does that happen?? Why is my reproductive system determined to sabotage any good mood I might ever almost have? Seriously though, pain from right ovary = cyst on left ovary?? Argh!! And the thing is apparently sizable too, something like 4.6cm x 3.5cm. So great, I have a golf ball sitting there. Wonderful. I have no pain in that area, so...thank goodness for small miracles I guess?

At this point, I've almost given up any hope of ever getting pregnant. I struggle with despair and hope - the hope being that I believe ultimately it's up to God whether or not I'm blessed with children anyway. But sometimes I forget that and get depressed because my hormones aren't perfect. They actually aren't even too bad. I had my TSH tested last month and the number went DOWN, surprisingly. It was 3.99 and now it's 2.7 (still not great, but better). T3 and T4 are in the normal range. Blood sugar is much much MUCH better now that I've not been a dumbass and have watched my sugar intake, plus started taking cinnamon and chromium (oh how I love thee, cinnamon and chromium! anything that gets me off Metformin...makes me want to weep with gratitude). Androgens could be lower but even those aren't too too bad.

Anyway, my point is, if it's God's will, we'll have children. I have to cling to that, but I admit it can be hard. I had such a horrific time in February and March. I got in my brooding mood and wondered what the point of living even was. And it didn't help that it was cloudy and freezing everyday and I didn't get out much. Now, luckily, I feel like I'm "coming back to life" as it were, and can laugh and smile. I think it's because it's been sunny and warm out, so that has been a HUGE help! I've been hanging out a bit more with new friends and it's nice because none of them have kids. It's increasingly harder to be around people our age (or younger) who have babies/are pregnant and I'm not sure that's going to get any easier while I'm barren. I guess we'll see.

By the way, anyone ever gotten a cyst off of Femara but not Clomid? I can't figure it out. I wish I had never discovered that stupid drug (the Femara).

Pathetic

2010-04-01T16:01:00.003-04:00

So things are not good. This is why I haven't updated.

I forget what I even posted in my last post and I'm too uninterested in reading back. Basically I did Femara for two months after my laparoscopy, which was damn stupid. I hate myself for it. My body is such a joke. I felt like I had a cyst after Femara round one, but my doctor didn't see anything on the u/s. I had a few days of pain in my right ovary area (which, by the way, is the only ovary I ovulate from. thanks for literally nothing, left ovary.) but it wasn't too bad and I forgot all about it once round two started. But then, lucky me, the pain came back AFTER ovulation and has basically been on and off since then (today is day 1 of what would have been round three). And I know it's a cyst because I never have ovarian pain *except* when I have a cyst. So isn't that freakin fantastic! Three months after surgery that rid me of a cyst...I have another one! Awesome. I have the best reproductive system ever.

Also, I have no friends. And the saddest part? I almost don't care. The longer I go without having children, the less I want to see of other people. I'm totally completely 100% falling into a deep dark hole of sadness and isolation. Like, it's to the point where I have anxiety almost every day without fail. I'm good at putting on a somewhat happy face when I'm with hubby, or the few times we ARE with friends (hubby's friends from school. i consider them friends of mine too, except for the first time in my life i have no interest in taking the friendship very far, if that makes any sense.) or hubby's family. But the truth is I pretty much feel like I'm dying inside.

For those of you who are Christian and know the story of Job, I basically feel like him. There's this verse in the book that describes me perfectly:
"What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.

I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil."

I read that and I'm like, "Wait, is this book called Job or Marissa?" Seriously. I have almost no happiness at this point (much of it my fault). I never feel calm or well-rested. I don't sleep well. I miss Utah, where we lived until a year ago when we moved to Ohio. I had friends and family there, and a church that I liked. I miss the gorgeous scenery. I miss old friends from work. I work from home now so I have no one to talk to or laugh with all day. I love my husband more than life but he's at school or studying most of the time (3 months til he graduates, thank the Lord!).

So it's up to me to start going to church and make new friends. But considering church is incredibly painful as an infertile woman, well...you can imagine how easy that's going to be. I know church shouldn't be about how *I* feel or what *I* want. But it's hard to remember that when my heart breaks every time I go. If there was a church strictly for infertiles, I'd be up for that!

I wish I had happier news to report but at this point I'm wondering if I ever will. I'm done with fertility meds, by the way. I have a month of Femara left but I'm not taking it. I also have an unopened trigger shot that I didn't use last month. The Femara was free but the trigger cost $60 and I'm pissed that I wasted the money on that worthless piece of crap. But I'm so incredibly relieved to be done with all these doctor visits. Who knows if this cyst will go away but it probably won't. I sure won't be feeding it anymore meds though. I'm on my own.

Nope.

2010-02-27T14:43:00.002-05:00

Even with all that good sex, BFN. No shocker there and I only have myself to blame.

A few weeks ago I got careless with sugar. It is absolutely VITAL for me that I eat very little sugar and exercise at least 4 or 5 times a week. I did well with the exercising bit, but I went nuts on the sugar. I don't know why, especially since I know better, but I just starting consuming vast quantities of the stuff: cookies, chocolate milk, real Coke (I almost always have diet or caffeine free/diet), ice cream, etc. Mind you I wasn't eating/drinking huge portions of those things, but I WAS consuming enough that my blood sugar levels were way off. I felt awful for two weeks straight. How stupid am I!

So because of that, and despite the fact that I did Femara and a trigger shot, my temps were absolutely awful in my 2WW. And considering I had a fertility med-free cycle before that and my temps were amazing, as I said I can only blame one person - ME.

Luckily, I smartened up, ate very little sugar this week, and worked my butt off in the gym. I already feel much better but still not as good as I did before I went crazy. But I'll get there.

So let this be a lesson to you, girls - sugar is evil! Resist the temptation! Trust your good friend MK on this one!

SEX

2010-02-12T20:09:00.006-05:00

So now you know what I'll be doing this weekend. ;)
I went to my doc today and she saw a lovely wonderful perfect follicle just ready to squeeze out my future child. She gave me a trigger shot (my very first one ever) and as always, ordered me to have sex, sex...oh, and more sex. My husband is always just REALLY sad to hear that we need to have lots of sex for the next few days. You know how men are - they hate the thought of naked sweaty sex! :D

It's so funny being an infertile. The SIMPLEST things make me wildly happy for days, i.e. positive OPKs, pretty follicles, trigger shots, cervical mucus... Most people (in other words, people who can actually get pregnant, the jerks) are excited about you know, normal stuff like a raise at work or a new house or a vacation to the Bahamas. And those things are great! But you know what's better? Copious amounts of clear egg-white cervical mucus on my underwear! hahaha!
Anyway, my 2WW starts on Sunday. Let the obsessing begin!

Thanks to Jessica for this award! It made me smile. :)

The Rules:

1- Thank and link the person that sent it to you.

2- Present this award to at least 5 people and explain why you chose them for this award.

3- Copy and paste the award on your blog

The 5 bloggers I nominate for this award are:

An Unwanted Path (she's an AMAZING writer)
Tales of My Follicles (always has an encouraging word)
al/right already! (my laparoscopy buddy!)
Inconceivable (a fellow cyster)
A Land Far Away (makes me laugh!)

I am a frakking IDIOT

2010-02-10T18:21:00.002-05:00

I did the stupidest thing in the history of mankind today. (not that I exaggerate or anything...)
I went onto facebook today (I know, I know, a bunch of you are probably already thinking "oh, freaking great, yet another infertile facebook story". and pretty much yes, another infertile facebook story. haha). And a friend who I haven't talked to in years just had her first baby a few weeks ago. I actually wrote about her when I first started this blog in July, and about how I had an emotional meltdown when I found out she was pregnant. What a fantastic day that was.

Anyway, she un-friended me when she got pregnant so that I wouldn't be hurt when she posted pregnancy status updates 'n stuff, which is actually pretty considerate and I appreciate it. But today for GOD KNOWS WHAT INSANE REASON, I decided to check out her pics, since they're available for non-friends to see. My heart was like "don't do it, M, don't do it! you know how this will make you feel! i strongly urge you to reconsider!!" But my brain was like "yeah right, as if the nosiest person in the world [me] ISN'T going to click on those pictures. do it and get it over with." I then proceeded to look at every single one of her baby's pictures, like a FOOL!

Needless to say, I wanted to beat the crap out of myself afterward. It took me almost an hour to get over my heart ache and jealousy. Wait, let me check..............nevermind, they're still there. Just dulled a bit.

Well, at least I can admit that I have no one to blame but myself.

Today is day CD 11. Femara is definitely working because my right ovary is making its follicle known. I did a natural cycle last month and I actually had a beautiful chart, I was stunned. The ONLY bad thing is that I didn't ovulate until day 20. But my luteal phase was still 11 days, so that was good. To ovulate on my own AND have a decent luteal phase AND have great temps is a pretty dang good feeling. Now I'm almost certain I don't have to rely on fertility drugs to conceive. So basically I have the next 10 or so years to try to get pregnant. Great, now if only patience wasn't something I lacked!

Shortest post in the history of the world

2010-02-03T20:18:00.000-05:00

Today is day 2 of Femara.

Post-op!

2010-01-12T17:15:00.003-05:00

I had my post-op today and I left feeling happy, which is always a good thing.

My doctor (*sigh* still love her so very much) explained what went on during the lap: the endo was in quite a few places but the only ones I remember are left tube and behind the right ovary. She said overall it wasn't too bad but now that it's gone, our chances to conceive for the next 6 months are much much better. My uterus looks pretty; she said no fibroids or polyps at all. Yay! My tubes were great, nice and open. Ovaries are gorgeous now that the endo and cyst are gone. It's like I'm a new woman! ;)

So I told her I just didn't know what to do about ovulation. The months I don't take Clomid, my luteal phase sucks, as I said in my last post. I asked her if I could take Femara for awhile and she said yes! I'm so excited! We got pregnant our first cycle of Clomid, so I have high high HIGH hopes for Femara. Not only will it (hopefully) make me ovulate just as well as Clomid did, but the side effects are much less, lining is supposed to be better, and cervical mucus shouldn't be dried up. Add all those to the fact that I just had my insides cleaned out and I am a VERY hopeful girl.

We also discussed doing a trigger, so we'll see what happens. I don't know if it's worth it if the Femara makes me ovulate anyway.

Oh how I've missed having HOPE the last few months!

2 weeks later

2010-01-11T15:05:00.002-05:00

It took me about 5 days to feel completely normal again after the surgery. The worst part by far was the shoulder pain from the CO2, which I was expecting. I would have exploded with annoyance without my heating pad!
Also, remember the 4 lbs I lost from the colon blow? Well I somehow managed to keep it off! Ok, I gained one back. ONE. But hey, I'll take an instant 3 lb loss! I didn't eat much for about 5 days after my surgery, hence, I'm guessing, losing the weight. Now my appetite is back to normal but since I already started working out last week, it's kept me from shoving food down my throat 24 hours a day.

Ok, so good news and bad news. The bad news is I have NO idea what my body is doing this cycle. I started my period two days after surgery and it was pretty typical (actually nicer because I had no uterine lining to expel! you wanted to know that, right? ;) ). It's now cycle day 13 and I have absolutely no sign of ovulation. My ovary hurt pretty bad on day 9 and then settled down after that, so I figured I had ovulated early. But my temp hasn't gone up. And now I have NO ovulation pain and no CM, which makes me think maybe I'll ovulate late or not at all. I don't want to take an OPK because I buy the expensive kind and only use them when I have CM. I've manged to time the OPKs perfectly so far but who knows how many I'd go through this wacky cycle. And our car is broken for the time being, so I can't run to the Dollar Tree and grab the cheapies (if they even sell them anymore). Shoot! I may already be screwed this cycle.

Has anyone had any experience with Femara? I'm thinking of asking my doc if I can have a prescrip. Now that my ute and tubes are cleaned out, my only problem seems to be strong ovulation. But I can't do more Clomid! The side effects are getting too bad. Plus I've heard many a wonderful thing about Femara. What do you think? Good idea, bad idea? I need some good ovulation, dang it! ;)

The GOOD news is we have a plan! Our best chances for conception after a surgery like mine are the first 3 to 6 months following the procedures. If I'm not pregnant by then, it'll be around the time my husband starts his job, which means we can finally start the adoption process! So either way, I WILL have children in the next year or two!

Laparoscopy/hysteroscopy details. Fun times!

2009-12-28T23:16:00.009-05:00

NOT. (haha, yes, I still use a 1992 'joke'.)

Oh my goodness, where to start. I got home about 7 hours ago and was going to wait til tomorrow to post details but I feel pretty good and just feel like letting it all out!

Um, hopefully this won't scare anyone, because my experience really wasn't all THAT bad, but a) I so easily get anxiety that things always seem worse than they are, and b) it was bad enough that I don't want to ever do it again!

It started last night. I had a bowel prep the night prior to surgery and had to drink an entire 10oz bottle of Colon Blow - oops, I mean Magnesium Hell - WHOOPS, I mean Magnesium Citrate. I had heard horror stories of the taste but trust me, the taste was the LEAST bad part of the experience. It just kinda tasted like a cherry soda, but a bit saltier. Anyway, waited an hour or so and nothing happened. I had eaten light that day so I was hoping that meant I would only have to go a few times and be done. NOPE. Nice try, MK! I finally started going at around 7:30 and I DID NOT STOP until 2am! No #%$*$ joke! At first it wasn't bad and actually felt kinda relieving (obviously). But a few hours later when my butt was burning and I was pooing blood, hmmm...yeah, yeah I guess that would be when I started wanting to cut my butt off. It hurt so bad, worse than any pain in my life, and that is not an exaggeration. But I do love how I'm going into details about my rectum on a public blog. hahah! Thank goodness for anonymity. ;)
I didn't know who to call about my misery (hospital center was closed and by then it was midnight), so I conferred with one of my goodest friends who I always go to with my "doctor questions". She recommended Lanolin (a breast cream for nursing mothers, of all things) and it saved my life! My darling husband went out to Wal-Mart at 1AM in a snowstorm to get it and I had never been more thankful for him. I slathered that stuff on my bung and relief finally came. Trust me, I thanked God many a time that night!
By the way, I don't think this happens to everyone (or anyone at all except me, lol), BUTT I seem to have a sensitive area there. Diarrhea is not my friend.
There was, however, a bonus: I lost 4 pounds in one night! Seriously! :D

So this is pleasant so far, right! ;)

With the worst out of the way, I finally got to sleep at around 2:30AM (thank you again, Lord) and woke up about 8:30Am. My pre-op at my doc's was at 10, so I had to distract myself for an hour and a half, which sucked. Oh well. After a night of rectal pain and bleeding, an hour and a half of anxiety felt like a birthday party.
My wonderful doctor (who, as you may remember, I'm practically in love with because she's so amazing) went over procedure details with me and hubs. I asked a few questions, she made me more anxious (not purposely) by explaining a few unlikely situations like a septum and removing a fallopian tube, then we left for the hospital.

My favorite part of the day was right here. I still had half an hour to check in at the hospital, but there's a Tim Horton's cafe there and my husby decided to get an egg and bacon biscuit, a chocolate chip muffin, milk, and a hot chocolate. I got to watch him eat his delicious food while I scowled with bitterness. haha Gotta love men!

11AM they started prepping me and I was tearing up because the nerves were REALLY hitting at this point. Once you see all those hospital beds...*gulp*. I changed and they hooked me up to an IV, at which point I immediately asked for happy drugs. Woo! I love those things!
Various doctors came in to talk and ask questions. Scary questions, I might add. "Have you had rashes, soreness, allergies...?" Well yeah, who DOESN'T get those things! What does this mean, I'm going to die from the anesthesia because I have an itchy bump or two on my leg?? Crikey, ratchet up the anxiety levels why don't you.
No but they were actually all very nice, so I was happy. Nothing calms me more than friendly, caring nurses and doctors....who give me happy drugs. :D
My R.E. came in finally and went over once again what would happen and in which order (hysteroscopy, laparoscopy, dye through tubes) and that was that. They wheeled me into the O.R. and I barely even remember getting on to the operating table. So weird when that happens.
I woke up approximately 4 seconds later (in anesthesia-induced-sleep time) with various nurses calling my name. I was like "shut up, I'm trying to sleep, my goodness!" It was actually kind of rough waking up. I really really wanted to keep sleeping. Plus I was just so disoriented and...in an unpleasant mood. LOL
I finally came to and arghhhhhh, the pain sucked! It wasn't anything intolerable (I've had worse cramps a few times) but worse than the cramping was the vaginal burning from the catheter! So I now hate Magnesium Citrate, my bung, and catheters. Got that?
It was annoying too, because there was this chipper older woman to the left of me behind the curtain, just out of surgery as well and talking about how good she felt and how WONDERFUL things went. "Well aren't you all daisies and sunshine!" I was thinking. Ok, so I was jealous. The docs gave me a few pain drugs but they didn't work too much. Finally after the Percocet pills they gave me about 20 minutes later, I started feeling like a human being again. I lay in my recovery room for about half an hour sipping on THE BEST grape juice and eating the tastiest pretzels of my life. What is it about juice and crackers after surgery that tastes like I'm eating a small slice of heaven?

The doctor gave hubs the details of my surgery and here they are: one cyst removed (I KNEW I had one, I just knew it. The little beast has been hurting since this summer!), stage 2 endo, and tubes wide open. I was so happy! She also did a pap smear since I have vaginismus and have the hardest time with speculums. Knocked out for a pap smear, what could be better?! ;)
She gave me pictures of the surgery but my husband can't remember what they're of (very helpful :P), so who knows what they are. I just know one is of the cyst before removal and it's disgusting. It looks like extremely globby blood. Another is of some endo before and after cauterization. I think one is of my pretty cervix, and the other 9? Well, I'll just use my imagination I guess.

Oh yeah, my husband also is certain that my doctor didn't mention anything about fibroids or polyps but I may actually call her tomorrow just to double check since I'm curious.

I got home at around 4, I think. I got myself comfy on the couch and watched TV while dozing in and out of sleep. The reason I couldn't stay asleep for awhile was because the Percocet had made me extremely nauseous. Everytime I'd fall asleep, two minutes later I'd wake up and need to breathe deeply to avoid puking. I don't mind throwing up usually but I knew it would hurt my incisions to strain my stomach, so nooooo thanks! The nausea passed after an hour or two and I was finally able to sleep for two hours. Woke up and had a little bit of chicken noodle soup and bread (and Coke and water and Ginger Ale and apple juice. Yeah, I was thirsty. ;) ). Since then I've just been relaxing. I feel pretty good. Have only taken 2 ibuprofen since about 5pm and don't really need much more. My incisions are a bit painful but I'm moving around slowly, so it's not bad. And the shoulder pain from the CO2 from anesthesia sucked, but my heating pad was WONDERFUL for that!

Hubby and I can have sex about 1 week from today, though I will probably wait a few days longer to be absolutely certain my cervix is closed and I won't get an infection. I go for my post-op in two weeks and will then talk to my doc about what to do next. We may do at least one cycle without any meds of any sort just to see what happens. But if I don't ovulate or my LP is short, or my progesterone is low, I MAY do Clomid a few times again. I really really want to maximize our chances these first 6 months after the surgery.

I think that's about it! Congrats if you made it this far into my novel!
The bowel prep and immediate recovery from surgery sucked bad, but overall I am SO happy to have this weight lifted from my shoulders and know what's going on in me. I can't wait to TTC again!

If anyone's having one of these procedures done soon and has any questions, please feel free to ask ANYthing! And I'm sorry if I've scared you at all. ;)

And thank you everyone SO MUCH for your kind words and good lucks in my last post!

T minus 39 hours!

2009-12-26T21:27:00.004-05:00

My laparoscopy/hysteroscopy/tube check is in a day and a half and I'm getting a bit nervous! I have to drink the infamous Magnesium Citrate tomorrow after dinner and I am NOT looking forward to that. Although I figure it can't taste much worse than the worst liquid ever - prune juice!
I can't eat anything after 5pm tomorrow. I don't think that'll be a problem because I think I'll be too nervous to eat anyway. My pre-op is at 10am Monday, then the surgery is at 12. I have no idea what my doc is going to do at the pre-op; go over everything once more with me, I would guess? Who knows. Mostly I just can't wait to get that IV in me so they can pump some soothing drugs in me. I'm not a fan of drugs, but THOSE kinds are wonnnnnnderful. ;)

Also, I cannot WAIT to get off this EVIL birth control! It's only been 2.5 weeks and yet it's like I'm a completely different person, I kid you not. My husband is not a fan of me at all. When I'm not groaning in agony from extreme nausea (which is practically all day), I'm yelling and in a rage over the stupidest things. It's crazy! I will never ever go on these pills voluntarily. I'm also a hypochondriac and read about many women who had blood clots while on the pill, so naturally I've talked myself into shortness of breath and sore calves (both signs of blood clots). So we have nausea, astonishing bitchiness, and extreme anxiety. Those are GRRREAT things to be feeling before a surgery! haha Ah man I just can't wait for this lap to be over with. I'm very impatient to get back to trying to conceive.

Wish me luck! I hope everyone had a great Christmas! :)

just.....things.

2009-12-03T16:33:00.004-05:00

I wish I updated this thing more often but truth be told, I don't have much to say. Here are a few things on my mind lately though:

- Thanksgiving was great! It was November last year when I found out about my miscarriage, so I thought it would be tough to get through this year. It actually wasn't bad at all! We had family over from Canada (their first American Thanksgiving, yay!) and my mind really wasn't on infertility much. Though I bet they (hubby's mom, dad, and sister) were secretly hoping for a pregnancy announcement. Can't blame 'em! I know his parents want to be GRANDparents asap. They often talk about other people's kids and I'm always just like *sigh* "sorry we haven't provided you with your own grandkids yet." Except I don't say that out loud because then there would be an awkward silence. LOL
Anyway, it was fun. We have all our Christmas decorations up, we ate amazing food, we went to a Blue Jackets/Flames hockey game, we played games, we gained 235 lbs. Good times!

- In general I've been pretty good about my lack of fertility lately. I haven't dwelled on it much since last month's fiasco (still a tad bitter about that!), which I am so thankful for! BUT. I did have one incident a few days ago, which was a shattering realization.
As I said, I haven't thought much of my woes lately and I've been relatively content. Then, and it's so stupid, I read a few pregnancy announcements on my infertility message board and I suddenly became INSANELY jealous and depressed. It was like all of my emotions that had been away for a few weeks came ROARING back to kick me in the face. I don't get it! I was doing so well! And I realized that no matter how happy I may ever be, if I manage to pop out a few kids of my own and/or adopt, I'm never never ever going to forget this horrible feeling inside of what it's like to experience infertility. I can honestly say it's the worst feeling in the world. I had never thought ahead to what I might feel in 5, 10, 20 years. But just then I knew - I'll never forget the intense sadness, loneliness, envy, and bitterness that this experience has thrown on me. I know it probably sounds a bit dramatic (and it is!) but wow. That was a depressing thought! I don't want to remember my heartwrenching pain when I'm 60. But I will.

- adoption: I just can't do domestic. I can't. I've been reading adoption blogs lately and while I'm filled with joy when I see people who receive their sweet babies, it seems like I read just as many blogs where the birthmoms change their minds at the last minute, leaving the adopting families in emotional ruin. It breaks my heart. I cannot imagine going through that. Which is why we'll most likely adopt two Russian kids and make them hockey players. ;)

- and finally, I very much look forward to December 28. My surgery is scheduled for noon that day. My doctor is doing a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and running dye through my tubes to make sure they're open. The recovery probably won't be fun but who cares! Fix me, Doc!
I'm a little nervous but not much. Ironically enough, the reason I'm not too scared is because I've already been put out once before (my only time in an O.R.) when I had my D&C. So yeah, thank goodness I had that miscarriage so that I could handle surgery for my infertility, right?........ Oh life, you are so weird and sometimes stupid.

Meeting my hero!

2009-11-22T19:09:00.007-05:00

Hello all ICLW'ers! A little bit about me is on the right column there. Basically my hubby and I have tried to conceive on and off for a few years now. Clomid got us pregnant (well, I believe the sex helped too) last year on round one but we miscarried at 11 weeks. I'm on round 6 of Clomid this cycle, which will be my last before moving on to a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy (could those words take any longer to type??), and HSG in December. I'm nervous but very very happy to get it done! My husband's sperm is are good little soldiers, and I ovulate on Clomid or Soy, plus my hormone levels are quite good. SO...that leads me to believe that the reason we haven't conceived again is because of beastly endometriosis or polyps, or some such annoying thing in my uterus.

Ok, liberals stop reading the rest of this post! ;)
I just have to write this because I think it's frickin cool - I got to meet Sarah Palin on Friday! She's doing a book tour and she was in Ohio this week. Hubby and I went Friday night, not actually expecting to meet her since the line-ups at her book signings have been astronomical. But somehow, luck was on our side! I had gone inside Borders to warm up and as I was leaving awhile later to get back in line with hubby, Sarah's mom and son Trig (the adorable one with Down Syndrome) walked right by me! I rubbed his cute little back and hoped really really hard that the 5 huge policemen didn't break my arm off. haha
Here's Trig in his stroller a few minutes later:

Anywho, I stepped inside Borders an hour or two later to warm up again and this time Sarah herself walked right past me! I believe she was on her way to let the employees outside know that she had time to sign the books of the people waiting in the "non-wristband" line (our line, with people who didn't show up early that morning to get the wristbands that ensured they would meet Palin). Here she is walking by:

Actually, that pic is up top because I have no idea how to make it show up right here. I'm awesome at using the internets.

Anyway, she is so tiny! I would say 110 or 120 lbs. Crazy. And we finally made it to her for the signing. I asked if she gave hugs and she had a big smile and said "Oh of course!" and asked me my name. Then I told her she's my 2nd favorite politician after Reagan, which made her happy. It was an amazing moment. I love the crap out of her.

Don't worry, I won't write political posts or posts about politicians anymore. Maybe. ;)

Update #2

2009-11-07T19:56:00.003-05:00

Temp dove and I started light bleeding today finally. At least my luteal phase was a bit longer this month. It'll be 13 or 14 days instead of 11 or 12. Probably due to the supplements I started taking this month. That's a good thing but at the same time I'm annoyed that I had so much hope once I saw that I hadn't gotten AF and my temp had risen yesterday. It's one thing to get a BFN when you're expecting one anyway, but it's kind of horrible to get one when you actually start thinking "this could be it!!"

I'm not taking Clomid or any herbs for ovulation this cycle. Just doing it naturally this month before my laparoscopy in December. HOPEFULLY it'll be in December. I left a message at the clinic today to have my doctor call me so we could schedule one. I've decided to get it done before Jan 1 for insurance reasons. I can't wait! Because of my horrible pelvic pain when I was a kid, I really do think something has to be in there making conception so difficult.

I wrote this last night in my updated last post but am reposting it here-
I was at Barnes & Noble for a few hours tonight, waiting for hubby to finish a meeting he had at school. When I'm at B&N the pregnancy books are like a freaking magnet to me. I just automatically walk over there and start perusing. Tonight was no different, except this time I had the weirdest thought. I felt like a fraud. I thought "what am I doing here pretending like I could actually be pregnant? These books aren't for me, they're for actual pregnant women and mothers." Isn't that like, the saddest thought?? I pitied myself in that moment! lol! (<-half-hearted, somewhat shameful 'lol')

Also girls, thank you so much for the support! Being infertile bloggers yourselves, I know you know how absolutely valuable it is to have sympathy from others, and especially when other women who you've never even met feel frustration on your behalf. It's really quite lovely in the face of such heartache. :)

update

2009-11-06T12:48:00.005-05:00

BFN. Yeah.

Edit (9 hours later): I realize 10/11dpo is still early. I haven't given completely given up hope! Still no bleeding whatsoever. I'm still afraid to put too much emotion into this, nevertheless I will test with FMU tomorrow or Sunday. I'm still having cramping and I still feel nauseous on and off throughout the day. Those are about my only "symptoms." But with my first pregnancy I didn't have much going on this early either.

This whole TTC is a mind game I tell you!

I'm going to throw up...

2009-11-06T07:50:00.004-05:00

I'm so nervous.

My cycles are always 28 days. I ALWAYS (ALWAYS - I can't stress it enough!) start spotting on day 27. I'm almost never late and my temp pretty much NEVER goes up on day 28. No bleeding, no spotting, NOTHING. To top it off my boobs hurt and I am/have been nauseous. I cramped last night. But my revulsion (lol) of negative pregnancy tests is holding me off...

I keep telling myself that just because the only other time I was late was when I was pregnant doesn't mean it's happening again. The boobs, nausea, cramping? PMS. I'll start spotting any minute now.

And yet a little voice in my head is like "this is it! test test TEST!!!" That beastly little voice full of beastly hope! It's sad that we infertiles can't even enjoy hope when we have it.

Anyway, once I either start spotting or work up the nerve to test, I will update asap. Until then I will practically pee my pants with anticipation either way.

Still not very hopeful, BUT...

2009-10-31T13:07:00.004-04:00

I ended up ovulating on day 17. Hallelujah! FF wouldn't give me crosshairs and then it hit me - discard CD 13's high temp! Duh, M! So who knows what will happen or if it was even a good ovulation. I'm just glad it happened, and on only 25mg of Clomid. And since it was only 25mg, I had almost NO side effects this month. Hallelujah x 2!
I had my progesterone check yesterday and it was 10.75. I'm not happy or sad about that number. Not happy because, I dunno, I'm just not very hopeful in general for this cycle. But not sad because a) it wasn't the typical 7dpo (only 4dpo), and b) as I said, it was only 25 instead of 50mg of Clomid, so I wouldn't expect a really high number.

At soulcysters I keep seeing women who have had laparoscopies get pregnant a few months later and it makes me excited! I'm hoping so bad that I can get one in January. My husband was just offered a job for next August (2 months after graduation) at the accounting firm that he really wanted. Thank you, Lord! In other areas besides fertility, we are so blessed! And of course, I'm especially happy because that means I CAN get a lap this winter and not die of stress from the cost ($1500 deductible).

AND we went to a hockey game last night and saw the Pittsburgh Penguins beat the Columbus Blue Jackets. Hallelujah x 3! haha My husband wants children to love, but mostly he just wants children to dress them up in Penguins outfits. ;)

You and I need to talk, Reproductive System

2009-10-28T09:15:00.003-04:00

Bah! FOUR DAYS after a positive OPK, my temp finally went up! And not even by much! (although .2 degrees is typical for me when not on 50mg of Clomid)

Unbelievable. My repro system hates me, it's apparent now. Another cycle wasted.

I will not fall into a black hole of despair and grief.
I will not fall into a black hole of despair and grief.
I will not fall into a black hole of despair and grief.
I will not fall into a black hole of despair and grief.
I will not fall into a black hole of despair and grief.
I will not fall into a black hole of despair and grief.
I will not fall into a black hole of despair and grief.
I will not fall into a black hole of despair and grief.
I will not fall into a black hole of despair and grief.

Oh who am I kidding, yes I will!

Pointless

2009-10-26T08:48:00.002-04:00

I think I ovulated today (day 17). My chart hasn't shown a temp increase yet but I got a positive OPK on Saturday, which means my temp will probably spike tomorrow. I wouldn't mind ovulating a little late but the problem is that I ALWAYS have a 28 day cycle. So my luteal phase is only going to be 10 or 11 days this month.

So I have a question - is there anything I can do/take to lengthen my luteal phase by a few days? Or is 10-11 days adequate?

I don't know why I bother asking though, it's not like we're actually going to manage to get pregnant this month. (yep, it's one of those days)

so, moving on...

2009-10-15T13:31:00.004-04:00

I'm a little late on this but I wanted to thank Sunny, Alison, and BarrenBlog for giving me an award! Pretty much everyone's gotten one...but I still feel special. ;)

Before I do the quick survey thingy, just a quick update. I've started my next Clomid cycle and should ovulate in a little over a week. However, I took one - ONE - Dexamethasone on CD 3 and my heart was pounding for two days. So off the magic drug. :( Seriously though, it freaked me out. The first night I fell asleep and woke up at 3AM feeling like I had just run a marathon. I didn't fall back asleep until 7AM! The next night wasn't much better. It really reminded me how much I HATE drugs of any kind.

So keeping that in mind, I lowered my Clomid dosage too. I was taking 50mg and I've been cutting them in half and only taking 25mg everyday. Last month was SO bad with the hot flashes. My BBT stayed elevated from days 3 to 14. I was so. HOT. And I was a beast for the 5 days I was on the Clomid. Earlier this year the side effects weren't bad, so it's obviously catching up to me now. Even the Dex wasn't too bad last cycle, although I noticed the last few days I was on it I had trouble sleeping as well. I feel MUCH better now that I've discontinued the Dex and lowered the Clomid! Here's hoping I still ovulate.

Also, I'm kinda relieved because I believe I've narrowed my PCOS problems down. I had my doctor's office print off all my blood test numbers so that I could research them on my own. My doc originally said my Estradiol (estrogen) was a bit low but nothing to worry about (level was 17 on day 3). So I don't think that's a huge problem. DHEA was, as I wrote a few months ago, a bit elevated, hence the Dexamethasone.
And the MAJOR one that stood out to me was TSH (thyroid). Dr J told me my levels were normal but I started researching because I'm not obese, but I am a little overweight and have an incredibly hard time losing at all. Sure enough, my levels WERE normal...for THAT particular lab! "Normal" for them is between .5 and 4.5. But apparently lots and lots of doctors are now saying that TSH should actually be between .3 and 2! So yeah, that would be a problem.

Now, knowing my dislike for drugs, I started researching supplements I could take in place of them. And I just want to say thank God for google and soulcysters. Here's what I'll be taking:

Prenatals (as usual)
Fish oil (440mg)
Selenium (100mcg)
L-Tyrosine (for thyroid)
and N-Acetyl Cysteine (for androgens)

I hope these work! I seriously cannot take anymore drugs. I think my body knows and it hates me when I take them, and it revolts.
And by the way, if anyone has any suggestions for me on other supplements/herbs for thyroid or elevated androgens, I would probably kiss you.

Now somehow I just have to find the patience to wait out the next two months before getting a lap. My hopes aren't high for conception before that. If money wasn't a factor I would actually get a lap already and skip the Clomid. My husband has already had a good many interviews for accounting firms, so we'll know more on what our financial situation will be like in a few months.

That's pretty sad that when I hear how much money my husband will be making, my first thought is going to be "Ok good! Now I can get my uterus and ovaries scraped of adhesions." Gee, infertility, thanks for that!

Rules:

1. You Can Only Use One Word!

Here we go...

1. Where is your cell phone? It's

2. Your hair? hairy

3. Your mother? no

4. Your father? God

5. Your favorite food? Mexican

6. Your dream last night? Was

7. Your favorite drink? Coke

8. Your dream/goal? 2012

9. What room are you in? bed

10. Your hobby? ovulating

11. Your fear? Obama

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? bathroom

13. Where were you last night? here

14. Something that you aren’t? cross-dresser

15. Muffins? thanks.

16. Wish list item? muffins

17. Where did you grow up? west

18. Last thing you did? type

19. What are you wearing? this

20. Your TV? old

21. Your pet?

22. Friends? west

23. Your life? waiting

24. Your mood? hungry

25. Missing someone? carbs

26. Vehicle? Japanese

27. Something you’re not wearing? diaper

28. Your favorite store? Meijer

29. Your favorite color? purple

30. When was the last time you laughed? earlier

31. Last time you cried? saturday

32. Your best friend? SK

33. One place that I go to over and over? rushlimbaugh.com

34. One person who emails me regularly? facebook

35. Favorite place to eat? Bob (Evans)

Pregnancy tests are evil in the form of a stick

2009-10-08T20:14:00.006-04:00

I was weak yesterday and I accidentally took a pregnancy test. Totally completely 1000% negative. Like, it couldn't have possibly BEEN any more negative. I swear the part of the test with the positive actually was negative negative, meaning the area actually got whiter. Yeah, pregnancy tests like to mock me like that.

Anyway, I saw just a smidge (my browser is underlining 'smidge'. isn't that real word?? i swear it is) of blood yesterday and my temp went down to 98.3 today, so it's over. And on the day I found out I wasn't pregnant, my brother told me he and his wife are expecting number three. They went through infertility with their first two, so while I was jealous, I'm also happy for them. It's kinda funny (actually really sad) but I remember when they told me they were expecting their first, I cried tears of joy. They had been trying for two years and had done a year of Clomid. They then added in a trigger shot and finally conceived. So yeah, tears of happiness.
The second time they were pregnant (this was almost two years ago when we had been trying for about a year and they had been trying for year, this time without success from fertility drugs. my SIL started taking herbs, which is what led to her conceiving), I cried with tears of complete envy and pity for myself. I almost couldn't even be happy for them.
THIS time I didn't cry at all. I was emotional but I didn't know what I wanted to do with that emotion.
What I mean is that while I'm very very jealous that they did it without even trying this time, AND they're on their third child while I still have zero, I realized I had two options:
a) I could sob my eyes out and be bitter as usual and hate pregnant women yet again, or
b) I could think back to my resolution to not let infertility and pregnancy announcements rule my life and try to cheer myself up, which I somehow managed to do. I let myself hurt for a little while but then I first prayed to God to help me through the pain. After that I reminded myself that we still have two Clomid cycles. Then a laparoscopy and trying on our own. And then adoption. So no matter what, I will be a mom.

It still sucks. But infertility will NOT beat me.

It was actually almost a year ago exactly that I found out I was pregnant. Of course a little part of me was hoping so badly that I would get another BFP in October and have another chance to have a June baby. Luckily I didn't put too much hope into that thought. It's not like I care which month I have a baby, it's just that I know June is always going to be a tough month now. June 21st to be exact. I actually was going to post here on that day about how it was the happiest day ever and how heartbroken I still am over the miscarriage and such and such.
But you know how you find someone's blog and then through their blog, you find someone else's blog, and then through THEIR blog...etc etc.? So yesterday I ended up at this guy's blog. He and his wife had just had their first baby, the cutest, sweetest-looking little girl. But it turns out his wife had breast cancer. She got treatment and was doing really well. However, something must have gone horribly wrong during her labor or delivery because she started getting bad headaches after the baby was born. And after just a week or two (can't remember exactly), she ended up in the hospital and the doctors told her husband that she was brain dead. She ended up passing away a few days later.
They were incredible through it all. I ended up reading their entire blog, every single entry since last February. I was amazed at how calm both of them were. How joyful they were even during all the chemo and surgeries. Their love for Christ just shined through. I strive to be like them. Even after the death, the husband was so calm knowing where his wife is.

Sometimes the saddest stories can be so uplifting. There can be joy in the midst of trials.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. Psalms 62:1

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

CD 21 progesterone

2009-10-02T15:39:00.002-04:00

Got the ol' progesterone checked today. I forget the exact number but it was 16 point something. It's absolutely idiotic of me but I'm already thinking that number's too low for pregnancy and therefore, I'm already out for this cycle.
I know, stupid! But when it comes to getting pregnant, I'm the eternal pessimist. Well ok, in my last post I was a bit optimistic. See how long that lasted!

I've been ordered to have sex

2009-09-26T19:20:00.003-04:00

Haha, seriously, nothing makes me feel more in charge of my life than calling up my doctor and having her tell me "Ok, have intercourse today and the next two days." Yes, ma'am! ;)
I'm not being monitored this cycle on the Clomid, so she wanted me to call her when I got a positive OPK, which I got yesterday (yay!). Which is when I received the intercourse orders. I love it too, she didn't tell me to have sex - it was intercourse. LOL That just makes me chuckle. And actually, I don't even know if it was my doctor. She didn't identify herself, so it may have just been some random nurse who I've never spoken too. Even better!
Anyway, turns out I didn't need the green light on sex. Once the lovely and beautiful cervical mucus shows up, I always know to break out the sexy underwear. ;)

This cycle has been so great! I'm actually really sad that I can't be this way every month. To start off with, the Clomid is definitely working because my ovaries, as I mentioned, have been making their presence known. The Dexamethasone I just finished on Wednesday, and for the 10 days I was taking it I felt FANTASTIC. I had so much energy! It also almost completely cleared my face up. My skin hasn't looked this good in at least 4 or so years, no joke. I've finally been able to look in the mirror for the first time in forever and feel like I'm pretty. I hate to say it but it's true. It's amazing how much acne can make you feel ugly.

So that was Phase One. Phase Two is the ovulatory phase and THAT is going swimmingly (pun intended) as well. Around day 13 the lovely and beautiful (I always refer to it as lovely and beautiful because if you ever just take a minute and really look at your cervical mucus, it's quite breathtaking to behold) cervical mucus started showing up. I got a negative OPK that day but I KNEW it would be positive the next day, and sure enough it was. That was yesterday. The aforementioned sexy underwear debuted. My husband called the undies a "band aid" because there's basically nothing there. Thongs have to be the most hilarious underwear ever, I'm telling you. I think we use them more for a laugh than for steamy romance.

Anyway, that brings us to today, day 15. The egg is dying to burst from the follicle, I can tell. My ovaries, specifically the right one (as always), have been very insistent today. So the egg either popped today or will early tomorrow. And there you have my perfect Phase One and Phase Two of this cycle. All I can think the last two days is "I'm fertile." I'm visualizing the sperm swimming up the uterus, through the fallopian tubes, and meeting my girl. I wish I could give it a pep talk. Come on, reproductive system! You can do it! You've done it before! You WANT to create a perfect little baby in there! Don't you want to stop shedding blood and lining every month? Isn't that icky? Just think, reproductive system, NINE MONTHS of no period, no cramping, no fertility drugs! Give me a baby! You know you want it!!

So yes, that's my pep talk. And yes, I'm crazy.

oh, did I mention I'm the most paranoid person ever?

2009-09-22T22:21:00.003-04:00

So I just need some reassurance. Please!
Today is cycle day 11, four days after my last Clomid pill. My ovaries hurt while on the Clomid, then were fine the last three days, and now they're back to feeling a bit sore. This is normal, right?? This is my 5th (non-consecutive) Clomid cycle and I've never had these ovary pains until now, even on the month I conceived.

My ovaries aren't going to explode, right?? My follicles and uterus and fallopian tubes aren't going to spontaneously combust while I'm sweetly dreaming tonight, correct??

So now you know something else about me. I'm a complete and utter hypochondriac.

(but seriously, is this completely normal?)

ICLW

2009-09-21T16:13:00.002-04:00

My first ICLW! I was going to write a new post about with a little bit about our background but I did that two months ago, so just decided to cut and paste.

Alright, so here's our (depressing) TTC history so far:
Before trying to conceive, hubby and I married in 2002. Both our families are VERY fertile (almost annoyingly so) and naturally, I never gave infertility a thought. I was also always thin and in pretty good shape. Unfortunately, when we married we both were way too blissfully happy and ate absolutely horribly for about 3 years. No joke. It was almost all frozen, fast, or restaurant food. One day I realized my pants didn't fit anymore. Oops! Thus began my road to infertility. I'll get back to that in a sec.

At the end of 2005 I started longing for a baby. Hubby wasn't ready but gave in anyway because...well, I'm persistent and annoying. ;) I was also at my fattest. We only tried for a few months, however, because we moved all the way across the country and once we were settled, we needed to save up some money and hubby started going to university. So no luck in the conception department and then we stopped for about a year.

In the summer of 2007 we started trying again, which was exciting!...for about 3 months or so until I realized I still wasn't getting knocked up. I finally made an appointment with a doc about 6 months later. She took her sweet time getting back to me (gotta love health care these days), so obviously I thought all my blood work was great. HOWEVER, when she finally had me notified, I was told I had insulin resistance. I googled the crap out of "insulin resistance" and deduced that I had IR due to lots and lots and lots of overeating, specifically lots and lots and lots of overeating SUGAR. I was put on a drug called Metformin, which is supposed to help with blood sugar and weight loss. Unfortunately, all it managed to make me do was vomit a lot. So you see why it was good for weight loss! But I couldn't handle it, so off I went. I realized I had to lose weight, and so I did it the hard way: diet and exercise. I managed to get about 15-20 pounds off but I still wasn't getting pregnant, and by then I was hating life and all pregnant women and pretty much everyone else!

FINALLY I went to an actual infertility doctor in August of 2008. Due to the weight gain I had stopped ovulating, so she put me on Clomid and BAM! Pregnant! Best feeling in the WORLD. I was so over-the-moon happy, I felt so special, I loved life and pregnant women again! Only to miscarry at 11 weeks. The day I found out our baby wasn't alive definitely ranks up there as one of the most horrific days of my life. I was pretty certain I would never stop crying. Because you see, any woman who has had a miscarriage knows how heartbreaking it is to lose a baby. But not all women have a hard time getting pregnant. I just KNEW it was going to be a long time until we conceived again and sure enough, here we are.

I've found a new (AMAZING) RE here in Ohio and I've actually just started Clomid again this cycle. Today is CD 10, which means I have 4 - 7 more days til ovulation. Two more cycles on Clomid and then it'll be a laparoscopy. If that doesn't work, trying naturally for the next 10 years (I won't do any fertility drugs beyond Clomid) and also adopting. Actually, adopting anyway, regardless of whether or not we get pregnant. So things aren't too bad lately. :)

a non-'life sucks!' post! how about that.

2009-09-16T22:45:00.003-04:00

And so our Clomid cycle commences.

I've also started my Dexamethasone, and it's probably all in my head, but I really do feel like I have more energy and that I'm less hungry. Can't complain! So far, anyway. I think I was like this on Metformin too, and that ended up being the worst drug EVER invented EVER. Haha, I remember I had so much diarrhea and threw up so many times that I literally thought I was dying. I was laying on the bathroom floor and telling my hubby, "Just remember that I'll always love you!" LOL! Not melodramatic at all, eh? ;) Kinda wish I had it on tape so that if I ever start thinking I'm just like the coolest person ever, I can watch that little incident and be reminded of how not even close to cool at all that I am. But who knows? Maybe I'd make a great actress!

Yeah, I don't have much to report other than the Clomid and Dex.

I was having a hard time with the whole pity thing the last few days and I read an awesome infertility book called The Infertility Companion and I came to this amazing conclusion: I worship getting pregnant and having children! I'm serious. I think about pregnancy/kids roughly 23.8 hours of my day. Granted, it's hard NOT to think about it so often when I sit in front of my computer all day when I'm working. But still, I realized just how badly I need to stop obsessing and putting all of my future happiness on this. The book went into detail about infertile Biblical women and the consequences of some of their attitudes. I mean, I can't even sit in church these days and worship Jesus without moping 3/4 of the time and being bitter about all the preggos sitting near me. Reading TIC made me see how useless it is to put everything into getting pregnant. What if it never happens? And more, what if we (for some strange reason) couldn't adopt? Would I live the next 60 years of my life being miserable? I can't! I cannot exert so much mental capacity towards being depressed and angry for that long. I've already been doing it for a year or two and it's been HELL.

My point is that I need to remember what is the most important thing to me (or thingS), number one being my Lord, who really is and always will be the only One who gives me complete comfort and peace. I have to live knowing that if I never have even one child, I will ALWAYS have Jesus. The doctors and friends and family, yes, they make me feel better by saying "Oh, it'll happen for you!", but the cold reality is that it might not. The odds are good that it will!...but it might not. Whereas Jesus tells me that I'm His forever, and when I die I will find no greater peace or happiness..and that WILL happen!

Plus let's say we finally have kids and I end up not even liking them!

ha, just kiddin. ;)

Anyway, my point is...what is my point?
Oh yeah. I've spent too much time being unhappy and it just won't do. I have quite honestly the BEST husband in the solar system, a family who loves us, friends who love us, beauty all around, and the promise of something better than all of that put together waiting for me at the end.

It will take awhile and since I came to this realization, I've found out about a few more pregnancies that of course, hurt to hear about. But I also noticed that it felt more like a sharp poke in the stomach rather than a punch in the heart. So it's a start!

Haha, I didn't realize this post would end up going the way it did. All I really came here to say is...I'm taking my Clomid and Dex. Thank you.

;)

I feel so defeated

2009-09-10T15:30:00.005-04:00

I hate PMS. Somedays I wake up and it feels like life has punched me in the stomach. Ever felt that way? That everything is going to go wrong that day and there's no hope of even pretending to be happy. Like I didn't even get to TRY after I woke up. Just immediately I was miserable. Of course, that's due to a little friend I call Premenstrual Syndrome. We've been really really good friends for a looooooong time. She's so nice to never let me down, by showing up month after month after month after fricking MONTH.

I'm supposed to shed my uterus lining (it's so much more fun to say that than "start my period") on Saturday, and I know it's inevitable. Remember I said that I didn't have a good feeling for this month? Yep, I was right. Heaven forbid PMS give me a month (or 9 months) off! And even when she finally did last year, she decided she missed me too much and showed up after 11 weeks. 11 weeks of blissful happiness. Of planning our summer around the birth of Baby K. Planning Christmas '09 with sweet little 6-month-old Baby K. Looking at our accumulating baby clothes and toys and excitedly picturing our little one wearing the onesies and playing with the stuffed animals.

And then of course, we had to go and get that STUPID ultrasound. I HATE ultrasounds forever now. I just know that I'm never going to get to have one and hear "there's a heartbeat and healthy fetus!" Imagine that actually happening to me...

So yes, as is glaringly, uncomfortably obvious, I'm having a rough day. I've been on the verge of tears since waking up today. I do look forward to the Clomid and Dexamethasone, so this month's non-pregnancy isn't quite as hard as usual. But it still sucks! And my hormones are reminding me nonstop that I'm NOT pregnant, everyone else I know IS pregnant, I lost a baby, I have no children, I hate my job, I'm a recluse thanks to infertility... My hormones are beasts.

I have a feeling today wouldn't be too bad if not for PMS, I honestly believe that. Because I was actually doing just fine all cycle until today. Today I just feel empty and lonely.

Change of subject here - last night I was reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility. The author says that indications of low progesterone are temps below the coverline after ovulation. I then went online to fertilityfriend and looked at my last chart (http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/28ba82) and sure enough, I had FOUR temps that were either at or below the coverline. So let's add low progesterone to the list of things that are preventing me from getting pregnant. Awesome. And now I can't decide if I want to call my doctor's office and ask for progesterone supplements starting next cycle. Stupid crappy chart.

Also, no use telling me I have a chance of being pregnant still. I've already started spotting a bit and my temp dove this morning. I'm actually ok with that. I'm eagerly anticipating this next cycle.

I just wish PMS would leave me alone and stop dragging me down, the little bastard!

Good job, me

2009-09-01T20:40:00.004-04:00

Yeah, it's not gonna happen this month. First of all, for some STUPID reason I haven't gotten much, if any, cervical mucus the last few cycles including this one. Why? Why why why has it left me?

Second, I got a positive OPK on day 15 but on day 17 my temp still hadn't increased. We used PreSeed on day 17 and my temp did finally go up today (day 18), but...I just FEEL like we failed. A fertile couple could have sex a day or two before ovulation and conceive. But for US to conceive, I feel like we need to have sex two days before, the day before, the day of, and the day after, or else no go. I know it's stupid but then again, I never said I was always completely logical. ;)

Also, with a 28 day cycle, ovulating on day 17 or 18 isn't exactly ideal. That gives me a luteal phase of only 10 or 11 days. My doctor said that if my luteal phase is fine, she didn't see a reason for me to try progesterone. Well great, then I had to go and ovulate late! Fantastic. My body is so cooperative. Now I'm kicking myself for not getting the progesterone prescription.

Also, if I had a cyst or a cyst burst, can anyone tell me what I would feel? I had pain near my ovary for days leading up to ovulation. One night before I fell asleep I felt a sharp pain in the same area that made me flinch, which I thought might've been ovulation. However, that was two days before my temp increased. But I have had zero pain in that area since then. Should I be worried??

I dearly love PCOS and infertility......

Score one for me! (I'm in love with my doctor)

2009-08-25T20:13:00.002-04:00

Yes, you read me write - I'm in love with my doctor. I don't care if she IS a woman and I'm married and I'm not a lesbian - I love her. Of course, I would probably hate her if she had given me bad news today. ;)

So yeah, today was my follow-up appointment to discuss options, go over blood test results and semen analysis results, etc. I was nervous because a part of me was really really afraid that she was going to say she found something that indicated I had a .003% chance of pregnancy each month. Obviously, I'm incredibly optimistic...

We sat down and she started listing all of the tests they had done and what the results were:
Testosterone: good
TSH: good
FSH: good
Estradiol: good
17-alpha-Hydroxyprogesterone (LOL! is that the long version of just "progesterone"?): good
glucose: good
insulin: good
Prolactin: good
and lastly, and the ONLY one that was a bit elevated, Dehydroepiandrosterone Sulfate (an androgen): borderline

About 1.5 years ago, I had fasting insulin done and it was 10.9ish, which is a bit insulin resistance. I've exercised like mad and eaten well since then, and it's now down to 8!! How cool is that?? No drugs, just good old fashioned exercise and diet, and I brought my numbers down ON MY OWN. I was so proud of myself. My doctor probably thought I was a bit of a weirdo due to me being unable to stop smiling after that.

So almost all of my hormones are good, hubby's sperm are super heroes - what to do now? Since I have a hard time with speculums, we decided on this plan of action:
starting next cycle, I'll go on Clomid, plus Dexamethasone to lower my DHEAS. I know nothing about this drug, so I'll be googling the crap out of it for the next few days. If anyone who is reading this has any experience with it, I'd love to know about it!
After 3 cycles of Clomid and Dex. if I'm still not pregnant, we'll do the laparoscopy sometime in winter or early spring. She also said I can do Gonadotropins, which sounded interesting...until she told me the price. My insurance doesn't cover infertility so she said it would be about $1500 to $2000 per month. Can you imagine?? Actually, some of you women reading this probably CAN imagine. Insane! It's tempting but I definitely don't see it happening until hubby graduates.

Which brings me to another reason why I'm in love with my doctor. Laparoscopys are, I think, around $4000 to $5000. I told her I couldn't do one anytime soon because of insurance not covering infertility. Right away she said she would just code is as something else so that my insurance WOULD cover it. Sweet! Our deductible is still $1500, but it's better than $5000. I'm praying I won't have to do it but at the same time, my doctor is the one who would do the surgery and I totally trust, plus am in love with her. ;) So it really isn't too scary to think about. I've only been under anesthesia once, for my D&C last year, and it went really well. I really love mood-altering drugs, have I mentioned that? haha

Let me one last time say how much I love my doctor. We sat there and talked for almost an hour. No doctor has ever done that with me before. They usually get you in and get you out as fast as possible. But she went over ev-er-y-thing. She went over every fertility procedure, the costs, percentage of pregnancy rates, what was involved with each one. It was amazing. She was compassionate, she listened to me, she used small words so I knew what she was talking about (lol). I couldn't be happier with her. I want to write odes to her. Today was a fantastic day.

Some quick good news

2009-08-19T19:45:00.003-04:00

I don't have my blood test results back yet but we got hubby's SA results. Apparently he's got some pretty nice little soldiers! ;) I was told that they like to see at least 20 million, he had 56 million; they like to see 50% mobility (I THINK it was mobility), he had 68%; and lastly, they like to see 30% morphology, he had 27%. So the morphology was a bit low, but a) I have NO idea if that's a huge factor as far as good sperm goes, and b) his other numbers are...well, maybe not great, but very good at the least! I could sense a bit of a testosterone surge when I told him the news; he felt quite proud. haha Gotta love men.

So yep! I'm the one who's broken! Awesome.

No, I don't really feel that way...on good days. On bad days, uh, maybe. I reeeeeally want my blood test results. I like this new place I'm going to in Ohio but the nurse who I've been talking to is quite the ditz. I hate when someone annoys me but they're really nice, because then I feel like I can't truly dislike them. If only she was bitchier! ;) But she told me they'd have the results by Tuesday: "Oh for sure. If not today!" Which apparently ACTUALLY means a week and a half. My consultation isn't until next Tuesday now, which is when the doctor will go over everything with me and put me on Clomid. So it's back to Soy, Red Clover, and Red Raspberry this cycle! Oh well, whatevs. They basically do the same thing as Clomid anyway.

I wish I didn't hate the thought of surgery so much, because I really want a laparoscopy. I'll probably get one anyway, because what are our odds of getting pregnant again if it hasn't happened since the miscarriage? But the problem is, I need a few months to mentally prepare for it. If next week the doc said, "hey, let's do a lap tomorrow!", I would hyperventilate. No joke. I'm a complete wuss when it comes to stuff like that. I can DO it...but I'm a sissy leading up to it. Although surgery can be kind of nice. I remember for my D&C they could tell I was nervous, so they pumped drugs into me. 4 seconds later I was giggling and sighing with happiness. I could've been walking around naked through the halls of the hospital and I probably wouldn't have cared. Those kinds of drugs really should be legal and easily accessible to the public! Or at least just me.

Not a huge fan of pregnant women right now

2009-08-15T10:59:00.007-04:00

I knew it was too good to be true. Like I wrote in my last post, I did NOT want to get my hopes up, but up they got anyway. I had so many promising symptoms I couldn't help it! My back ached for days, and the only other time that's ever happened is when I was pregnant. I was dizzy, which also almost never happens. And my gums bled a few times when I brushed my teeth. Now come on, why would someone's gums bleed unless they were, in fact, pregnant?? But no no, my body just likes to annoy the living crap out of me and tease me mercilessly. My temps never went very high, so it's not like I thought it was a done deal or anything, but I was still pretty crushed because all the other signs seemed so good. Normally if I don't have many symptoms then getting a negative or starting my period is no huge surprise and I can deal with it. But the problem this month was definitely that I was so hopeful. I was near tears all night after I found out this wasn't the month (again). I'm SO SICK OF IT! I can't DO this anymore! The temping and worry over ovulation and making sure we time sex correctly - those I can deal with. They SUCK...but I can deal with them. But what I don't do well with is the anguish at the end of each cycle. I hate feeling sorry for myself so often! I really get annoyed when other people pity themselves, so naturally it bothers me when I do it too. But I don't know how to stop it. I eat really healthy, so last night I wanted something totally bad and salty and fatty. We went for pizza and directly across from me the hostess sat a pregnant woman. Of course. I switched seats so she was behind me and told my husband, "Not that it matters. They're just going to seat another pregnant woman at that other table now." And can you guess what happened? Ok, not a pregnant woman. But yep, about 10 minutes later a woman sat down with a cute, chubby-cheeked baby. And the bitterness burned in me like acid. Wonderful.

I finally deactivated my facebook account. I've noticed this trend on that stupid website: someone will sign up and rarely use their account. I won't hear from them or see any activity for like, a year. Then they get pregnant and start making pregnancy announcements and suddenly, facebook is their favorite website ever! Awesome! They post ultrasounds, morning sickness updates, more ultrasounds... I know I sound idiotic about it but it really gets to me. It's like, go get myspace already! haha Stupid social networking sites. Well, and to be honest, the other reason it was nice to get rid of facebook is because a lot of people on there are attention whores who post 4000 pictures of themselves modeling. But that's neither here nor there. ;)

I have blood work scheduled for Monday. My hubby has to do another SA that day as well. He did one a year ago but it was at a different clinic. Plus he went SEVEN DAYS with no sex before he did it, which didn't give him the best results. Oh dear. LOL! Doing blood tests and Clomid and more blood tests and (attempting to do) vaginal ultrasounds sucks, but I'll say this much - at least I don't have to ejaculate into a cup and then personally bring it in to a fertility clinic and hand the "specimen" to a nurse! hahaha! Ok, I shouldn't laugh. But hahaha anyway! :D

One more thing before I go. Hubby and I have officially decided to adopt. We've actually thought about it for a few years but we weren't 100% sure we wanted to. I've been reading about it and praying about it lately because I feel like it's something we should do, no matter how many biological children we may have. I've always had a soft spot for abused, unloved children; they just break and melt my heart at the same time. I so badly want one or two to give a good home and loving arms. My husband gets his degree in June (10 months and counting!). We are immediately going to buy a house (or as immediately as possible) and then start the adoption process. I can't wait! I do think we'll get pregnant at some point in the next, oh, ten years or so. But I am equally excited to be a mom to adopted children. God put me here to be a mom, I just know it. I suck at everything else (career-wise), and being a mother is all I really want to do. My 30s are going to be so much better than my 20s, I just know it. Don't get me wrong, our 20s have been fun. I got married, enjoyed years with my husband while we traveled and vacationed and fell more in love all the time. But the last year or so has just been so painful. Plus I've pretty much done most of the working while hubby gets his accounting degree. Our 30s will bring an awesome career for him, NO MORE job for me (woo!), and beautiful, wonderful, sweet children!

I've cheered myself up! I kind of rule! ;) Alright, off for some shopping and then a Cincinnati Reds game. Thanks for your kind words, everyone. They mean a lot to me. :)

10dpo

2009-08-12T19:42:00.006-04:00

I told myself NOT to get excited this month. I made myself stay calm, do things to take my mind off of over-analyzing pregnancy symptoms, don't get hopeful. Yeah, that all went out the window about two days ago. Man, I was SO CLOSE! By then I only had 4 days until my period. 4 measly days, and I couldn't keep the hope and excitement at bay. Ugh, I always do this to myself, only to be crushed by either a negative test or my stupid uterus lining showing up (nice image, eh?). The one thing I'm proud of myself on is that fact that I haven't caved in and bought a pregnancy test. Well, I actually still have one from my last pregnancy 10 months ago, but I have no intention of using it. It's a digital, and those things are expensive, only to be used if and when I get a positive on a cheap pregnancy test first. Uh, or until June of 2010, which is when it expires. ;)

So here's my chart again so far:

I'm not fatigued AT ALL, which has me worried. That's one of the only signs I had with my first pregnancy. I know all pregnancies are different, but that doesn't stop me from obsessing over the fact that I don't have the exact same symptoms as last time. Really brilliant of me, huh?
Also, I had a huge temp dip on day 21, which was really weird. I know temp can dip if there's implantation, but so soon?? And if it's NOT implantation, I have no sweet clue what would make my temp drop that much after ovulation. But whatever the case, I'm really annoyed at my chart. It was gorgeous up until day 21 and now I think it's determined to piss me off! It should be RISING, not falling below the coverline. Then again I know not a whole lot about temping. I just know it needs to stay above the horizontal dotted line. Thanks alot, day 24.

Two more days until I know if we did it. Two. Two. Two.
Two days is the longest amount of time EVER.

Ovulation is my friend!

2009-08-06T15:34:00.005-04:00

I love Soy and Red Clover because it makes my chart look like this:

Isn't it lovely!

However, due to taking my temperature every single day this month, my cycle is draaaaaaaagggging on. It's unbelievable how slowly the days go by when you're counting each day of your cycle. I'll do the temp thing a few more times but then I'm done. Way too much effort. (and by "way too much effort" I mean sticking a thermometer in my mouth for 5 seconds in the morning, and then taking 3 seconds to log in my temps at fertilityfriend.com. haha, could I be any lazier?)

In other news, I've come up with a plan. An actual, honest-to-goodness, get-knocked-up plan. Starting next cycle I'm doing blood work and Clomid. I'll continue the Clomid until November (so 3 cycles) and then back on Soy/Red Clover until late winter or early spring, at which time I'm going to look into getting a laparoscopy. I have very regular periods, I ovulate easily on Clomid and herbs, I've been pregnant before... All signs point to fertility really. So if I'm not pregnant by winter, it's obviously something more, hence the lap. I used to have really painful periods when I was young before I went on birth control. I'm hoping that doesn't mean that I had endometriosis, which has gone away since then but may have left scar tissue.

That's the plan! Now I just have to figure out how to get some patience or distract myself as the months go on...

Repro Endo. Prrrrretty boring.

2009-07-31T22:01:00.003-04:00

My appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist was less than interesting today. They always want to like, RIGHT AWAY shove their way up your vagina and see what's going on. Now I don't know about most women, but for me, I need to get to know someone a bit before I'm going to let them manhandle my girl parts. Ugh. I can't really even do paps or vaginal ultrasounds because of abuse from my childhood (which really is more mental than physical), which I always have to explain to doctors while they impatiently wait for me to finish and then say, "Well let's just try." It's like, 'oh cool, great idea! Cuz I hadn't considered trying before! That's why you have the degree and I don't!'

So anyway, we went over my history and got that out of the way. He then immediately threw words like "blocked tubes", "laparoscopy", "surgery", insemination", etc at me. And I was like "whoa whoa whoa! Can I just have some blood tests and Clomid?" That's when he brought out the little gown they have you wear for the vag. ultrasounds. I promptly said no and he then left and had a female doctor come talk to me. She was freaking AWESOME. No idea why I didn't just see her in the first place. She had the most important thing I look for in a doctor: compassion. We talked for awhile and she said blood tests and Clomid were fine for now, and that if that didn't work, we'd only do what I was comfortable with. And she basically told me to pop a Xanax next cycle to see if we could do a vag. u/s. Anytime someone tells me to take a Xanax, I'm down with that! haha I was pretty comfortable with her, though, so yeah, I think I'd try as long as it was with her and not the other doctor.

Oh yeah, the one thing I MAY do is the laparoscopy since they put you out for the procedure. If I'm not pregnant with Clomid or Soy by the beginning of next spring or summer, I'll look into it. My hubby will have graduated, so we'll have the money by then.

That's about it. The best news is that after my little meltdown a few posts ago (sometime last week), I've actually been pretty optimistic and happy. Of course, that could be from all the ovulation sex... ;) Really though, happiness is priceless. I realize how precious it is since we started trying (and failing) for a baby. It's absolutely stunning how much more beautiful the world is when you're not in despair. During these happy times, I try to forget that Obama is president.

ha! Hope you still want to read my blog! ;)

Not quite the wretched beast that I was in my last post

2009-07-26T14:29:00.006-04:00

For some weird reason, going to church has never been hard (as far as seeing pregnant women/women with children), but after my miscarriage it became the most depressing thing ever. I have the HARDEST time sitting through the service because all I can seem to do is think about being pregnant and having the miscarriage and seeing all the other women who are blessed. I don't understand it! Infertility has really turned me into quite a psychopath. I mean, moreso than I already was. ;) But in all seriousness, really, it has hurt a lot the last few months and it really upsets me because I SHOULD be focusing on Jesus, but there I am wallowing in self-pity. Argh!

Well today as I was trying to get my mind off the miscarriage, I started doing some math. I have 12 periods a year (I was at least blessed with good menstruation, haha) and assuming we TTC for at least 10 more years, we have 120 tries to get pregnant. And somehow this worked in getting my mind off of miscarriage and onto excitement! I rule! ha! 120 tries, though! I mean, come on, out of ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY tries, we could have tons of kids. I kind of want to be like Michelle Duggar, and yes I'm serious. I want to put it all in God's hands and just say, Ok, it's up to You and I'll take whatever You can give me. I'm not exactly the fertilest (did I just make that word up? My browser is underlining it like it's spelled wrong but it looks correct to me. Eh, what does Firefox know!) woman around, so I doubt it would result in 18 kids. But my point is that ultimately it's not up to me anyway, it's up to God. All I can do is pray that He'll give me children and if we end up with 34, well, then I'll pray we can handle them all. ;)

In other news, I made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist for this Friday and I am excited! I don't like doctors and I don't like medications, but when you get desperate enough, you learn to love doctors and medications! I absolutely want bloodwork done to check hormone levels, because sometimes I feel "off" and I think it has to do with unbalanced hormones and/or blood sugar levels. Which actually pisses me off because I've been eating SO well lately, strength training 2-3 times a week, and doing cardio 3-4 times a week. My hormones should be better than perfect!
I also am sure he'll put me back on Clomid. Soy Isoflavones make me ovulate but who knows how good the egg is when it's released. I got pregnant off of my first cycle of Clomid, so I KNOW it works. And I'm lucky when it comes to Clomid because it gives me almost no side effects. It's pretty much magic.

Speaking of magic, I need to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince again.

I really hate life sometimes

2009-07-22T13:57:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting here in tears as I type this. One of my friends who never wanted kids, but who decided not long ago that she does, is now pregnant. And I'm not even crying so much because she's pregnant and I'm not (although that is part of the reason), but because it's MY FAULT that I'm this way! I was always thin and in shape growing up. I got married and I didn't know how to cook and didn't care to LEARN how to cook, so what did we do? Ate the worst foods possible. Restaurant, fast food, frozen food, junk food. We just ate and ate and ate, and my portions got bigger and bigger and bigger. One day I realized I was fat and my jaw literally dropped. I never thought about eating healthy, never thought about exercising, never considered for even a MOMENT that my gluttony would have an impact on my fertility. And now here I am, a pathetic waste of a human being, crying and pitying myself every single time I find out another friend is pregnant. I HATE life. Why did God put me here to be miserable?? I've avoided saying "I hate life" up til now, but I dunno, something just snapped and I'm admitting it right here, right now: I hate life. Every damn day I'm sad, every damn day I think about being pregnant and how I'm NOT pregnant. Even the days that start out good and get me excited that just maybe I'll be happy an entire day, well, it doesn't ever happen. Honest to God, I can't remember the last time I was truly, blissfully happy since we started trying for a baby. Ok, that's a lie. It happened before my miscarriage. So I've had a couple weeks of true happiness in the last 2 or so years. Wonderful.

Do you see now why I need this blog?? No one who has never been infertile could ever understand how I feel about pregnant women and my self. I haven't even given this blog link to any of my friends or family, because I don't want them to see how pathetic I am. I can just imagine the pity I'd get after reading things like this.

I do have to admit though that I feel a bit better now that I've let it all out. Having a place to pour out my wrath (lol) makes it a bit easier to paste a smile on my face when I talk to women who are actually fertile.

Ughhhhhh

2009-07-20T16:07:00.003-04:00

So I decided that facebook is stupid, but when you're trying to get pregnant and can't, facebook is downright EVIL. I absolutely do not know why I keep my account. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. that I log in, a different friend is pregnant. Ok, I'm exaggerating. EVERY. OTHER. SINGLE. TIME. that I log in. It drives me nuts! I know it's hideously stupid but everytime I see another pregnancy status update, I'm depressed for hours. And yes, I just saw one prior to starting this blog post.

I wish I could stop myself from hurting so much but apparently it can't be done. And all because someone else is pregnant and I'm not. Seriously, how stupid is that?? Something, which has nothing to do with me, can upset me and make me cry for hours. It's idiotic and it pisses me off. There should be a feature on facebook: "Delete Friend Until Friend Has Had Baby And Is No Longer Posting Ecstatic Pregnancy and Birth Updates."

Anyway, onto much much more exciting news. Like my period. Ha. The Beast was, well, a beast this month. Normally I spot for one day before the heavy flow day (lol, I can't believe I'm blogging about heavy flow menstruation) but I guess my uterus wanted to be daring this month and make me spot for THREE days. That's truly torture, because you know you're not pregnant but you can't even count those days as Day 1. But I can't complain too much because I have to admit I have great periods. My cycles are ALWAYS 28-30 days, one day of spotting (except for this month), 2 days of heavy flow, done. Like clockwork.

So today being day 3, I started on my Red Clover and Red Raspberry Leaf. I could not find ANYwhere online whether it was ok to take Soy Isoflavones and Red Clover together, so I did it anyway. Can't hurt, right? I think. But seriously, they're herbs, and not very high doses of herbs, so I'm not worried. If I don't ovulate, I won't combine the two again.

Also, I've started keeping track of my temps online because I was curious as to what fertilityfriend would come up with, so here's my chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ttc/index.php. Pretty exciting so far! ;) One thing that's weird is that my temps always go down below 98 degrees for cycle day 1 until ovulation, but this month apparently they're being beastly too. I didn't test the last two days because I was out of town but today I was able to and the thermometer read 98.1 degrees. Argh! I think this cycle is doomed before it even started.

(yet another) Day 1

2009-07-16T22:57:00.003-04:00

The evil beast of a witch will be coming to visit tomorrow and I'm changing it up a bit this month. I just bought some Red Raspberry Leaf and Red Clover, both of which are supposed to help with female fertility. I like to go natural as often as possible, which is why I won't do anything beyond Clomid, and I don't even like the idea of taking THAT. So - Soy, Red Raspberry, and Red Clover this time 'round! The good news is that my sister-in-law, who has worse PCOS than I do (although I'm not even completely sure I HAVE pcos - one doc said I did, one doc said I didn't. Fantastic.), got pregnant with her 2nd child while only taking herbs. Her first pregnancy was achieved with injectibles and Clomid, so we were all pretty amazed.

I'm just glad I took this month's negative test much better than I normally take it. Usually I'm depressed and quite honestly, worst than an emo kid for quite awhile after testing. Who knows why I took it alright this time. Let's just enjoy it while it lasts! (in other words, let's hope I can at all costs avoid pregnant women this weekend) ;)

History

2009-07-15T21:57:00.004-04:00

Alright, so here's our (depressing) TTC history so far:
Before trying to conceive, hubby and I married in 2002. Both our families are VERY fertile (almost annoyingly so) and naturally, I never gave infertility a thought. I was also always thin and in pretty good shape. Unfortunately, when we married we both were way too blissfully happy and ate absolutely horribly for about 3 years. No joke. It was almost all frozen, fast, or restaurant food. One day I realized my pants didn't fit anymore. Oops! Thus began my road to infertility. I'll get back to that in a sec.

At the end of 2005 I started longing for a baby. Hubby wasn't ready but gave in anyway because...well, I'm persistent and annoying. ;) I was also at my fattest. We only tried for a few months, however, because we moved all the way across the country and once we were settled, we needed to save up some money and hubby started going to university. So no luck in the conception department and then we stopped for about a year.

In the summer of 2007 we started trying again, which was exciting!...for about 3 months or so until I realized I still wasn't getting knocked up. I finally made an appointment with a doc about 6 months later. She took her sweet time getting back to me (gotta love health care these days), so obviously I thought all my blood work was great. HOWEVER, when she finally had me notified, I was told I had insulin resistance. I googled the crap out of "insulin resistance" and deduced that I had IR due to lots and lots and lots of overeating, specifically lots and lots and lots of overeating SUGAR. I was put on a drug called Metformin, which is supposed to help with blood sugar and weight loss. Unfortunately, all it managed to make me do was vomit a lot. So you see why it was good for weight loss! But I couldn't handle it, so off I went. I realized I had to lose weight, and so I did it the hard way: diet and exercise. I managed to get about 15-20 pounds off but I still wasn't getting pregnant, and by then I was hating life and all pregnant women and pretty much everyone else!

FINALLY I went to an actual infertility doctor in August of 2008. Due to the weight gain I had stopped ovulating, so she put me on Clomid and BAM! Pregnant! Best feeling in the WORLD. I was so over-the-moon happy, I felt so special, I loved life and pregnant women again! Only to miscarry at 11 weeks. The day I found out our baby wasn't alive definitely ranks up there as one of the most horrific days of my life. I was pretty certain I would never stop crying. Because you see, any woman who has had a miscarriage knows how heartbreaking it is to lose a baby. But not all women have a hard time getting pregnant. I just KNEW it was going to be a long time until we conceived again and sure enough, here we are.

We've been trying for 5 or 6 months now and NOTHING. That includes 3 months on Clomid in which I ovulated. We moved again and I didn't have a new doc, plus I wanted to give Clomid a break for awhile so I've been using Soy Isoflavones for the past two cycles. I've been temping and can see that I HAVE been ovulating on the Soy, so I probably won't go back to the Clomid. And still nothing. But of course, every freaking month I get all excited right before my period, like "ooh, my back hurts, I must be pregnant! ooh, I'm so tired! I'M KNOCKED UP!!" So stupid.

But anyway, there you have it. It's been a long, depressing road. And that's where this blog comes in. I probably should have named it "Pity Parties R Me."

Hello!

2009-07-15T16:14:00.003-04:00

So I created this blog because as I found out this month that I wasn't pregnant (yet again), I realized that I need a place where I can let out all my frustrations and anger and sadness and blah blah blah whine whine whine. I have the best husband in the world who loves me to bits and pieces, but I'm sure he gets sick of hearing my complaints. I get sick of hearing my complaints! But it can't be helped. Everytime I take a stupid pregnancy test and see that stupid negative, my heart just crumbles and I need an outlet for all the emotions that are just bursting from me. And I feel dumb calling or writing to anyone because, quite frankly, hardly anyone I know in real life understands how I feel. And I'm happy about that, really! I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone...besides crack whores. But anyway.

For those of you who are reading and can sympathize, you know what I mean. I used to be quite a happy person. I mean yeah, I had depressed and/or bitchy moments, like everyone else, but for the most part I enjoyed life and looked forward to new and exciting events and people and things. I liked hanging out with friends and family, I liked meeting people at church, I didn't mind big crowds, etc. And that's the worst thing RIGHT THERE about infertility. It might sound stupid but I'm dead serious - every month my body fails me, I become less and less like that person that I was.

Ok, to be continued later because dinner must be made and eaten. But pretty cheerful blog so far, huh! ;)

an infertile blog

Now the REAL fun begins...

I Hate You, Infertility.

Moving along!

Adoption Petition

New Year, New Beginnings

Possibly time to say goodbye to blog world

For just like, 5 seconds I'm going to let myself imagine a holiday BFP......

More of the same

One giant depressing step backward

Yay, I don't cry when I look at my butt anymore!

10 things.....because why not?

ICLW

I....don't really know what to title this post.

I know there's been a change in me

Progesterone

I feel like Jillian from The Biggest Loser! (minus the scariness)

It is my sincerest wish that fertile people would shut the hell up.

anyone there? *EDIT*

anyone there?

Happy Jacked Uterus and Ovaries Day!

I hurt

what kind of word is 'facebook' anyway?

see ya, jiggly flesh!

Ovaries are not my friends

Pathetic

Nope.

SEX

I am a frakking IDIOT

Shortest post in the history of the world

Post-op!

2 weeks later

Laparoscopy/hysteroscopy details. Fun times!

T minus 39 hours!

just.....things.

Meeting my hero!

Update #2

update

I'm going to throw up...

Still not very hopeful, BUT...

You and I need to talk, Reproductive System

Pointless

so, moving on...

Pregnancy tests are evil in the form of a stick

CD 21 progesterone

I've been ordered to have sex

oh, did I mention I'm the most paranoid person ever?

ICLW

a non-'life sucks!' post! how about that.

I feel so defeated

Good job, me

Score one for me! (I'm in love with my doctor)

Some quick good news

Not a huge fan of pregnant women right now

10dpo

Ovulation is my friend!

Repro Endo. Prrrrretty boring.

Not quite the wretched beast that I was in my last post

I really hate life sometimes

Ughhhhhh

(yet another) Day 1

History

Hello!

anyone there? EDIT